oh my god. how did i not realise this sooner? or did i know this would happen all along and i blocked it until now?
i am totally going to fall in love when i go to italy this year. no doubt about it. no way around it. it's going to happen.
i went to watch vicky christina barcelona with my friend S. tonight. spanish... love... lust... fighting... drama... lust... travel... wine... food... beach... lust. S. laughed through the movie. i watched it in horror... it's going to happen.
i think i knew. i think i've been in denial. i coincidentally (?) told my work friends today that i was thinking about not going out on any more of these crappy first dates. they jumped down my throat. Bee! you've been on 6 dates in as many weeks! how many people can say that? come on!
yeah... but i didn't like one enough to lead to a second. what's that telling you?
Then i told S. tonight that i think i'd be petrified to start dating a guy in australia over the next 5 months. i ONLY want to go on first dates... nothing more solid than that. because no matter how wonderful i think he is here - when i get there - pfft.
oh i sound like such a cruel bitch.
how did i explain it to S.? i'm hardly ever attracted to guys here. i can easily go to a club with a thousand people and find not one guy attractive. for example, based on looks alone, i don't think i've ever been attracted to a japanese man, and vice versa. i rarely see the kind of guys i like, because i live in such a multicultural city. when i'm in italy, the percentage of guys that i find attractive shoot from 3% to well over 90%. and they're attracted to me. so - it's inevitable.
S. said 'bee. surely you're over exaggerating.'
HA!
the first time i went to italy was with my parents and brother and sister. we spent over half the time in my parent's slow and sleepy towns. i fell in love twice; once in each town. the first town, my dad's, i fell for a boy, 16 years old, 2 years ahead of my 14, who live 3 houses down from my zia's house. we became obsessed with one another - him listening to my relatives and translating at a slow italian pace for me when i was coming to visit again. my italian cousins made excuses for me to go with them into the piazza with them at night, and more excuses as to why my parents should stay at home with their parents. His name was Antonio and he was divine. He was tanned, a dark dark brown, even darker than me with jet black hair and light brown eyes with long tangled eye lashes that looked fake. and he had perfect lips. oh so perfect. they came up into two impeccably sharp little points beneath his nose.
he was my first kiss. and maybe that's why now i hate morons in australia with their porno style kissing. if you start at 14 and you start with the best, how the hell can you go backwards?
i was devestated to leave. i gave him my address to write to me. he didn't even wait that long. one of my other cousins from australia was in his town at the time and he passed a letter to her to take to me as she was arriving back in australia 10 days after me.
but between my dad's town and home, we went to my mum's town. and there i fell in love with a cousin's cousin. although it wasn't quite that simple; he was 23. now, i'm 24, i'm a youth worker, i have a working with children's check, i have a clean police record, and now i can understand why my mum was FURIOUS when she could see he liked me. cos it CERTAINLY wasn't just that i liked him. he was obsessed. he never did anything, god knows our families didn't leave us alone for 2 seconds. but god, the tension was just beyond belief. i fell for him much, much harder than i fell for Antonio. the day we left i was inconsolable. it was just crazy.
the second time i went to italy i left behind my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. i still kissed three guys while i was over there. how BAD is that? this is exactly why i cannot get involved with anyone over the next 5 months. i'm not 14 or 18 anymore. i'm 24. i need to grow the hell up. and since i know i can't say no in italy, i have to say no here.
S. asked me what they difference was. if the guys there chased harder than the guys here.
there is no comparison. if a guy there sees you he will decide on the spot, in that millisecond, just seeing you brush your hair out of your eyes or struggle with your crap knowledge of the italian language, he will decide there and then if he is going to chase you. he will make eye contact with you.
and then it's your choice.
you can look at him. stare into him, into his eyes, and accept. or you can just look away. but if you accept, good luck in then refusing him once he starts.
you won't be able to.
i won't be able to
i won't even bother trying
he will look at you. he will stare blatently. he will ask his friends who you are. he will ask his friend's friends who you are. he will ask complete strangers who you are. he will talk to your friends. he will find out about you. he will find out where you are going, what you are doing. and then he will dissapear. you'll want to cry. he didn't even talk to you. all that looking looking looking and he just left. god he was hot.
and then you're at your next venue. a bar, or a club, or a gelateria, whatever. and he's there. waiting. he knows you were coming here; your friends told him. you smile, relieved that he hasn't disappeared off the face of the earth. he smiles back. and suddenly, without you even meaning to, you already have had a conversation of sorts, just with your eyes. you both suddenly know how the other feels, because you see the other relieved to see you again.
it's like there is a skewed sense of time in italy. if you spend one hour with a man it will be full of memorable moments. one right after the other. when i date here, fuck me dead. i grasp at ONE moment. perhaps the difference is that chivalry is by no means dead in italy. it is alive... so very alive.
and they chase.
i love the chase.
in australia the chase is more fun that the relationship.
in italy... they keep chasing you. even after they have you.
there is really no comparison.
italy... welcome to my life!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
spelling... again
ok. so 16 days into 2009 and i've had a couple of pecks (all on new year's eve, one gay guy and several women so they all don't count) and one real kiss.
the women and the pecks were part of the bet from 2008. we are not stupid enough to make another one for new year's eve 2010. cos i'm sure it would upgrade from pecks to french kissing.
anyway. i was driving home from my cousins a few weeks ago and all of a sudden this insane realisation hit me out of nowhere that i really missed my best friend, L's, house birthday parties. she hadn't had one in years. god, they were good. i have literally thousands of good memories of her house parties. even the messiest of drunken moments i thought of fondly. L. has such a beautiful mix of people in her life that her parties are just awesome.
anyway, i was getting off the freeway and i buzzed her to see if i could come past. it was 12.30 but she's completely nocturnal. i'm going so way off on a tangent here. i'll summize: i went to her house, she coincidentally asked me if i could help her make her facebook invitation to her house birthday party she was planning to have, happy happy joy joy, took the day off to help her clean, i'm going to totally omit the part of the night where i wrecked it for myself by inviting my assehole of a cousin... fast forward to the second my cousin leaves the party.
i walked right up to a guy who had been trying to pick me up all night but i was so not up for anything in front of my cousin. i was totally drunk; i went right up to him like it was a catwalk, he was sitting on a chair in a circle cos a bunch of them were listening to one of the guys play guitar. wordlessly, i sat on his lap, wrapped my arm around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. he silently placed one hand on my knees and wrapped the other around my waist... not my butt, my waist. we sat and listened to our friend playing for ages like that. every now and then he would hug me tight, then relax. we were both totally drunk but not being inappropriate in any way.
he very politely asked me if i smoked. i said no (amazingly, cos for some reason my drunkedness usually results in me smoking like a chimney despite that fact that i am 100% a non smoker when i'm sober!) He faltered... stalled... hung around me not knowing what to say, then asked me if i would like to go out the front with him while he had a cigarette.
the reason i'm going on about this is that, despite the alcohol, he was lovely. there was no doubt that we had both drunk enough to make almost comatose... but he was nicer than any other guy that's tried to pick me up sober in ages.
i went out the front with him and he just hugged me. he didn't even smoke, now that i think about it. i told him i didn't want to kiss him. he didn't try. kept his lips dangerously close to mine.
the only reason i told him i didn't want to kiss him is that i know that i really wanted to, and i knew the kiss would be wasted cos i was plastered.
we were outside for ages. i was beginning to sober up. he was too. and we kissed. and it was, of course, better than any drunk kiss i've ever had, not that i've had many drunk. but... it was better than a sober kiss too. it was absolutely awesome. i truly lost myself.
shit a brick. i totally forgot about my amazing point to this kiss story. i think i just got caught up thinking about it, sitting here, day dreaming.
hmm.
when i remember i'll do another post. in the meantime
oh i remember! i'm so bloody dumb - it's in my title.
ok - so this guy was polite. and intelligent. and cute. and had a very good job. and was a gentleman.
we added one another on facebook.
and he wrote on my wall.
his post includes the following words: lolz, hugzz (that's right, two z's), ma (instead of my) and... wait for it... sumfin.
i facebook stalked him a bit. checked out his wall. read the last comment he'd made on a friend's photo of her son. a few lines, short and sweet, every single word spelt correctly. perfect.
so why do people write like that? is it a facade?
and then i critiqued that way i wrote. do i ensure that every single word is perfect, that there is never a mistake with grammar for the same reason.
me and the guy from the party - we were very similar. and attracted to one another. we could talk to one another. etc etc etc. but he spells like that.
so i have to become a better person. i need to see past it. i need to.
the women and the pecks were part of the bet from 2008. we are not stupid enough to make another one for new year's eve 2010. cos i'm sure it would upgrade from pecks to french kissing.
anyway. i was driving home from my cousins a few weeks ago and all of a sudden this insane realisation hit me out of nowhere that i really missed my best friend, L's, house birthday parties. she hadn't had one in years. god, they were good. i have literally thousands of good memories of her house parties. even the messiest of drunken moments i thought of fondly. L. has such a beautiful mix of people in her life that her parties are just awesome.
anyway, i was getting off the freeway and i buzzed her to see if i could come past. it was 12.30 but she's completely nocturnal. i'm going so way off on a tangent here. i'll summize: i went to her house, she coincidentally asked me if i could help her make her facebook invitation to her house birthday party she was planning to have, happy happy joy joy, took the day off to help her clean, i'm going to totally omit the part of the night where i wrecked it for myself by inviting my assehole of a cousin... fast forward to the second my cousin leaves the party.
i walked right up to a guy who had been trying to pick me up all night but i was so not up for anything in front of my cousin. i was totally drunk; i went right up to him like it was a catwalk, he was sitting on a chair in a circle cos a bunch of them were listening to one of the guys play guitar. wordlessly, i sat on his lap, wrapped my arm around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. he silently placed one hand on my knees and wrapped the other around my waist... not my butt, my waist. we sat and listened to our friend playing for ages like that. every now and then he would hug me tight, then relax. we were both totally drunk but not being inappropriate in any way.
he very politely asked me if i smoked. i said no (amazingly, cos for some reason my drunkedness usually results in me smoking like a chimney despite that fact that i am 100% a non smoker when i'm sober!) He faltered... stalled... hung around me not knowing what to say, then asked me if i would like to go out the front with him while he had a cigarette.
the reason i'm going on about this is that, despite the alcohol, he was lovely. there was no doubt that we had both drunk enough to make almost comatose... but he was nicer than any other guy that's tried to pick me up sober in ages.
i went out the front with him and he just hugged me. he didn't even smoke, now that i think about it. i told him i didn't want to kiss him. he didn't try. kept his lips dangerously close to mine.
the only reason i told him i didn't want to kiss him is that i know that i really wanted to, and i knew the kiss would be wasted cos i was plastered.
we were outside for ages. i was beginning to sober up. he was too. and we kissed. and it was, of course, better than any drunk kiss i've ever had, not that i've had many drunk. but... it was better than a sober kiss too. it was absolutely awesome. i truly lost myself.
shit a brick. i totally forgot about my amazing point to this kiss story. i think i just got caught up thinking about it, sitting here, day dreaming.
hmm.
when i remember i'll do another post. in the meantime
oh i remember! i'm so bloody dumb - it's in my title.
ok - so this guy was polite. and intelligent. and cute. and had a very good job. and was a gentleman.
we added one another on facebook.
and he wrote on my wall.
his post includes the following words: lolz, hugzz (that's right, two z's), ma (instead of my) and... wait for it... sumfin.
i facebook stalked him a bit. checked out his wall. read the last comment he'd made on a friend's photo of her son. a few lines, short and sweet, every single word spelt correctly. perfect.
so why do people write like that? is it a facade?
and then i critiqued that way i wrote. do i ensure that every single word is perfect, that there is never a mistake with grammar for the same reason.
me and the guy from the party - we were very similar. and attracted to one another. we could talk to one another. etc etc etc. but he spells like that.
so i have to become a better person. i need to see past it. i need to.
i want to marry a vampire
damn twilight to hell.
not really, i love you stephanie myer.
so as if i wasn't fussy enough before, i am now chasing a perfect man. no, not even a man, a vampire.
but anyway, i digress.
some people i know were recently talking about how the worst thing that had ever happened to them was to discover that their partner had cheated on them. death (usually) is natural. breaking up / divorce is sometimes inevitable. but cheating is a choice, hence it hurting in a different way, and from what they said, ever so much stronger.
in the second book Edward leaves Bella; for her own good. He tries his hardest to explain that it's for the best, she kicks up a stink, and he then tells her he had never loved her. she loses it. completely and totally loses it. she loses her life. she loses herself.
i have never been cheated on. well, not really. i had broken up with my ex and i was contemplating getting back together with him. the night i had him over my house to tell him i wanted to get back together he stumbled and got tripped up in a lie and i found out that he'd been sleeping with some random all that time. if anything, i was happy that he stuffed up because he showed me that while i'd spent every waking moment thinking of him recently, he obviously wasn't doing the same. what hurt me was my own stupidity and blindness. he had lied to me so many times in the last few months before that night and the lies just rolled off his tongue so easily; i suspected nothing at all.
the worst thing that had ever happened to me boyfriend-related was exactly like twilight. my boyfriend was trying to break up with me, i was refusing to accept it and going bananas... then he told me he had never loved me.
when i think back, i have no idea how i drove home from his house.
it wasn't just because what he'd said. it was because i was so alone! i'd fought tooth and nail for him, although granted he had no idea. i had totally changed as a person because of him. i had ditched so many friends, made so many new enemies, disliked so many people because he disliked them. all because i loved him wholeheartedly.
and for what?
so that he could tell me he never loved me?
so that once again, i would feel stupid and blind?
eek, what a horrible post. 16 days into the new year; i don't want to start like this! goodbye wallowing in sorrow Bee! closing this one off and writing a new post shortly... a happier post :)
not really, i love you stephanie myer.
so as if i wasn't fussy enough before, i am now chasing a perfect man. no, not even a man, a vampire.
but anyway, i digress.
some people i know were recently talking about how the worst thing that had ever happened to them was to discover that their partner had cheated on them. death (usually) is natural. breaking up / divorce is sometimes inevitable. but cheating is a choice, hence it hurting in a different way, and from what they said, ever so much stronger.
in the second book Edward leaves Bella; for her own good. He tries his hardest to explain that it's for the best, she kicks up a stink, and he then tells her he had never loved her. she loses it. completely and totally loses it. she loses her life. she loses herself.
i have never been cheated on. well, not really. i had broken up with my ex and i was contemplating getting back together with him. the night i had him over my house to tell him i wanted to get back together he stumbled and got tripped up in a lie and i found out that he'd been sleeping with some random all that time. if anything, i was happy that he stuffed up because he showed me that while i'd spent every waking moment thinking of him recently, he obviously wasn't doing the same. what hurt me was my own stupidity and blindness. he had lied to me so many times in the last few months before that night and the lies just rolled off his tongue so easily; i suspected nothing at all.
the worst thing that had ever happened to me boyfriend-related was exactly like twilight. my boyfriend was trying to break up with me, i was refusing to accept it and going bananas... then he told me he had never loved me.
when i think back, i have no idea how i drove home from his house.
it wasn't just because what he'd said. it was because i was so alone! i'd fought tooth and nail for him, although granted he had no idea. i had totally changed as a person because of him. i had ditched so many friends, made so many new enemies, disliked so many people because he disliked them. all because i loved him wholeheartedly.
and for what?
so that he could tell me he never loved me?
so that once again, i would feel stupid and blind?
eek, what a horrible post. 16 days into the new year; i don't want to start like this! goodbye wallowing in sorrow Bee! closing this one off and writing a new post shortly... a happier post :)
Monday, January 12, 2009
dating dramas
good grief.
so much for never having been out on a date. since my last post i've been on not just one, but a few first dates.
will rate everything with a 'He's just not that into me' (HJNTIM) or 'i'm just not that into him' (IJNTIH)
hmm where to start.
ok - number 1 - i went to his house and played wii which was cool. he made me tea. very nice. he talked about interesting stuff. very good. we didn't have a moment of silence - awesome. he accepted that i started to become insanely cut when i was losing at wii tennis. fantastic. but number 1 didn't wear deodorant. i'm not joking. i could smell him when i wasn't even that close to him. and i started to get confused - surely he would have showered? it must be me, i decided. i pretended to scratch my ankle and secretly sniffed my armpit. nope. i showered that morning, went to work, got home, showered again, moisturized, deodorised and perfumised. i smelt great. number 1 - not so much. no second date - didn't message him for a few days, he got the idea. IJNTIH
number 2 - insane. was driving home from first and only date with number 1 and i turned into a lane as another car also turned. we both had our windows down and we stared at one another. he was soooo hot. actually - he looked EXACTLY like my ex, but nevertheless i wasn't thinking about him right then. we slowed down as there were no cars in front or behind us and he began talking to me. i was grinning like a fool, thinking 'this is AWESOME! i so don't care about how bad number 1 smelt anymore! over it!'. he asked if i wanted to pull over so we could talk. we chatted for 10 minutes. exchanged numbers. drove off. he messaged me within 10 minutes. very nice. over the following week we talked and chatted - being so close to christmas i was booked up morning, noon and night. but the more i spoke to him, the more i thought about my ex. they were the same nationality, same age, same accent, same living arrangements, looked EXACTLY the same (can't stress that enough). from wednesday we started talking about how we were going to go out on sunday afternoon. i kept asking where he'd like to go, what he'd like to do, and he kept saying 'anything anything, i just want to see you, you just tell me where' which i found a little annoying but whatever. so sunday comes along... he calls me.
number 2: Bee! How are you?!
Me: Hi number 2, how are you?
number 2: good thankyou. i can't wait to see you. where are you?
Me: ah i'm actually in Brunswick at the moment (insert here that my little sister lost her camera, borrowed mine, left it in her friend's bag, said friend was leaving the next day to spend the next month in Perth, Christmas coming up and i needed my camera... so i was at her house; unavoidable)
number 2: Brunswick?! (shocked voice) so um, where did you want to catch up? what do you want to do? (insert here that number 2 and I live 15 minutes from brunswick)
Me: um, well, i'm just finishing up here, we can catch up here or i was thinking that we could head down to the city, i have to go to melbourne central, there are heaps of nice cafes and bars there... or we could go accross the road to QV?
number 2: the city! gee Bee, that's far... i thought we'd go somewhere closer... like Essendon (insert here that essendon is 15 minutes from our house and the city is an extra 5. immediately i thought about how i spent over 20 minutes just straitening my hair. decided IJNTIH on the spot)
Me: um... you said you wanted to go anywhere... (i trailed off)
number 2: but yeah, i thought since we lived so close to one another we'd go somewhere closer to us... look, maybe we can catch up another day during the week, maybe after work?
Me: yeah maybe (coldly)
hung up and called best friend Liza. she was the one who ordered me to start dating. despite my story, she was still so desperate for me to date that she said 'Bee... c'mon... give him another chance...'
i got cut with her and called my cousin danielle who gave me the response i was looking for. 'Bee, you've got to be kidding. guys are at their absolute best in the beginning. if he can't be bothered driving down 20 minutes to see you for a first date that you guys have been talking about for a week forget it.'
anyway so he was a bit harder to shake. he sent me 10 smses for every one cold one word sms i sent him, he continued to call even after i didn't pick up his calls for days. after christmas he was dying to see me. by new year's eve i thought i was finally rid of him, after not hearing anything for almost 48 hours.
i was dressed up in my burlesque costume and driving to my friend's house on new year's eve. i was wearing frilly blue polka dot knickers... and very little else. i was driving around the roundabout and as i was turning i noticed the hottest guy in the car across from me, waiting to enter the roundabout. we locked eyes. he was HOT! his face contorted. i noticed his car was nice. he has a sunroof... IT'S NUMBER 2! i yelled 'oh fuck!' while looking right at him, which he could undoubtedly lipread. i accelerated like a lunatic onto the freeway. he was four cars behind and sped up at breakneck speed, weaving in and out of traffic. he started beeping his horn and waving his arm out the window. i literally broke out in a cold sweat in milliseconds. i pulled out my mobile and began talking into it, waving my hands around as though i was on handsfree. he drove along side me for 2 and a half exits then sped off. fuuuuuuuck.
i'd also like to add that there were several other things that he said similar to the can't-be-stuffed-driving-20-minutes thing; i didn't make a rash decision.
anyways... who did i date after that. oh yeah. went out with a number 3 who i thought was amazingly funny to talk to, easy to get along with, similar to me on so many levels, but i wasn't physically attracted to him. i ended up getting so angry at myself cos of my superficiality that i organised the date. we went out. he was great, although i think he may lie a little when he tells stories. not exaggerate like i do ('i swear it was four hundred and forty four degrees today!') but as in totally make shit up. i was sitting there, upset as buggery that a) i wasn't attracted to him and b) that he wasn't stuffing up so that i could have a valid reason as to why i wouldn't go out on a second date with him. and then... 'i take party drugs'.
i'm sorry.
what?
enter Bee, youth worker. enter Bee, case manager. enter Bee, most suspicious employee at her work
i proceeded to ask number 3 how often, what kind, how much etc etc. he said a few times a year. times that by at least 3 for the real answer. so he has ecstasy once a month. he then immediately went on to say he's waiting for his passport cos he's going overseas for an indefinate amount of time. i nearly said 'oh no, my apologies, you're on the date with the wrong girl, you want to be with my cousin, Danielle, she only dates men who are just about to leave her and the country'.
i think that was a mutual HJNTIM after the way i reacted, as much as it was a IJNTIH.
hmm... number 4 was actually the following night. it was the exact opposite of the previous night. i was insanely attracted to him... and could not think of one topic, one sentence, one word, one syllable, not even a grunt to utter to him. the lack of chemistry nearly killed me. it was a mutual HJNTIM / IJNTIH. he was STUNNING... but completely girlfriend and socially retarded.
so where am i now?
i exactly the same place i was before these 4 men
so much for never having been out on a date. since my last post i've been on not just one, but a few first dates.
will rate everything with a 'He's just not that into me' (HJNTIM) or 'i'm just not that into him' (IJNTIH)
hmm where to start.
ok - number 1 - i went to his house and played wii which was cool. he made me tea. very nice. he talked about interesting stuff. very good. we didn't have a moment of silence - awesome. he accepted that i started to become insanely cut when i was losing at wii tennis. fantastic. but number 1 didn't wear deodorant. i'm not joking. i could smell him when i wasn't even that close to him. and i started to get confused - surely he would have showered? it must be me, i decided. i pretended to scratch my ankle and secretly sniffed my armpit. nope. i showered that morning, went to work, got home, showered again, moisturized, deodorised and perfumised. i smelt great. number 1 - not so much. no second date - didn't message him for a few days, he got the idea. IJNTIH
number 2 - insane. was driving home from first and only date with number 1 and i turned into a lane as another car also turned. we both had our windows down and we stared at one another. he was soooo hot. actually - he looked EXACTLY like my ex, but nevertheless i wasn't thinking about him right then. we slowed down as there were no cars in front or behind us and he began talking to me. i was grinning like a fool, thinking 'this is AWESOME! i so don't care about how bad number 1 smelt anymore! over it!'. he asked if i wanted to pull over so we could talk. we chatted for 10 minutes. exchanged numbers. drove off. he messaged me within 10 minutes. very nice. over the following week we talked and chatted - being so close to christmas i was booked up morning, noon and night. but the more i spoke to him, the more i thought about my ex. they were the same nationality, same age, same accent, same living arrangements, looked EXACTLY the same (can't stress that enough). from wednesday we started talking about how we were going to go out on sunday afternoon. i kept asking where he'd like to go, what he'd like to do, and he kept saying 'anything anything, i just want to see you, you just tell me where' which i found a little annoying but whatever. so sunday comes along... he calls me.
number 2: Bee! How are you?!
Me: Hi number 2, how are you?
number 2: good thankyou. i can't wait to see you. where are you?
Me: ah i'm actually in Brunswick at the moment (insert here that my little sister lost her camera, borrowed mine, left it in her friend's bag, said friend was leaving the next day to spend the next month in Perth, Christmas coming up and i needed my camera... so i was at her house; unavoidable)
number 2: Brunswick?! (shocked voice) so um, where did you want to catch up? what do you want to do? (insert here that number 2 and I live 15 minutes from brunswick)
Me: um, well, i'm just finishing up here, we can catch up here or i was thinking that we could head down to the city, i have to go to melbourne central, there are heaps of nice cafes and bars there... or we could go accross the road to QV?
number 2: the city! gee Bee, that's far... i thought we'd go somewhere closer... like Essendon (insert here that essendon is 15 minutes from our house and the city is an extra 5. immediately i thought about how i spent over 20 minutes just straitening my hair. decided IJNTIH on the spot)
Me: um... you said you wanted to go anywhere... (i trailed off)
number 2: but yeah, i thought since we lived so close to one another we'd go somewhere closer to us... look, maybe we can catch up another day during the week, maybe after work?
Me: yeah maybe (coldly)
hung up and called best friend Liza. she was the one who ordered me to start dating. despite my story, she was still so desperate for me to date that she said 'Bee... c'mon... give him another chance...'
i got cut with her and called my cousin danielle who gave me the response i was looking for. 'Bee, you've got to be kidding. guys are at their absolute best in the beginning. if he can't be bothered driving down 20 minutes to see you for a first date that you guys have been talking about for a week forget it.'
anyway so he was a bit harder to shake. he sent me 10 smses for every one cold one word sms i sent him, he continued to call even after i didn't pick up his calls for days. after christmas he was dying to see me. by new year's eve i thought i was finally rid of him, after not hearing anything for almost 48 hours.
i was dressed up in my burlesque costume and driving to my friend's house on new year's eve. i was wearing frilly blue polka dot knickers... and very little else. i was driving around the roundabout and as i was turning i noticed the hottest guy in the car across from me, waiting to enter the roundabout. we locked eyes. he was HOT! his face contorted. i noticed his car was nice. he has a sunroof... IT'S NUMBER 2! i yelled 'oh fuck!' while looking right at him, which he could undoubtedly lipread. i accelerated like a lunatic onto the freeway. he was four cars behind and sped up at breakneck speed, weaving in and out of traffic. he started beeping his horn and waving his arm out the window. i literally broke out in a cold sweat in milliseconds. i pulled out my mobile and began talking into it, waving my hands around as though i was on handsfree. he drove along side me for 2 and a half exits then sped off. fuuuuuuuck.
i'd also like to add that there were several other things that he said similar to the can't-be-stuffed-driving-20-minutes thing; i didn't make a rash decision.
anyways... who did i date after that. oh yeah. went out with a number 3 who i thought was amazingly funny to talk to, easy to get along with, similar to me on so many levels, but i wasn't physically attracted to him. i ended up getting so angry at myself cos of my superficiality that i organised the date. we went out. he was great, although i think he may lie a little when he tells stories. not exaggerate like i do ('i swear it was four hundred and forty four degrees today!') but as in totally make shit up. i was sitting there, upset as buggery that a) i wasn't attracted to him and b) that he wasn't stuffing up so that i could have a valid reason as to why i wouldn't go out on a second date with him. and then... 'i take party drugs'.
i'm sorry.
what?
enter Bee, youth worker. enter Bee, case manager. enter Bee, most suspicious employee at her work
i proceeded to ask number 3 how often, what kind, how much etc etc. he said a few times a year. times that by at least 3 for the real answer. so he has ecstasy once a month. he then immediately went on to say he's waiting for his passport cos he's going overseas for an indefinate amount of time. i nearly said 'oh no, my apologies, you're on the date with the wrong girl, you want to be with my cousin, Danielle, she only dates men who are just about to leave her and the country'.
i think that was a mutual HJNTIM after the way i reacted, as much as it was a IJNTIH.
hmm... number 4 was actually the following night. it was the exact opposite of the previous night. i was insanely attracted to him... and could not think of one topic, one sentence, one word, one syllable, not even a grunt to utter to him. the lack of chemistry nearly killed me. it was a mutual HJNTIM / IJNTIH. he was STUNNING... but completely girlfriend and socially retarded.
so where am i now?
i exactly the same place i was before these 4 men
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
quiet? really?!
so i went on the second date. and he was very nice and explained to me that he has massive baggage (ex and rebound) still loitering. told him i wouldn't see him again. (i mean, i said it nicely)
we made out. very nice.
and so we're lying in a park under the stars (or just one star rather cos it was rather cloudy) and he was talking. he talks quite a bit. it's nice. and he asks me questions. and i'm so wrapped up in listening to him that i don't really answer. apart from the amazing fact that i can't really think of anything to say, i'm just waiting to listen to the next thing he says. i spend so much time with people who listen to me 24/7... this must be what it's like to be on the other end. it's actually nice, and i never thought it would be. i now understand my best friend, who would always say simply 'But Bee, i'm a listener,' when i used to get exasperated at her silence.
but i think it annoyed him. my silence, i mean. well, it's not like i wasn't answering him at all, but i certainly wasn't furthering the conversation. in the field that i'm in, i'm very aware of the difference between open and closed conversation... and i just realised tonight, 4 nights later, that he would have been really struggling.
and i want to say sorry, but i guess it doesn't matter, cos i'm not going to see him again anyway. but i feel ridiculously guilty. and i also feel like laughing my head off, cos i don't think i've EVER been in that situation in my life; where i've been the quiet one making the other person feel uncomfortable.
no! actually i lie! i can tie another story into this!
Just last night Old Man called me. he has been regularly (around every 10 days to 2 weeks) messaging me and calling me. i've been ignoring everything. this has been going on for MONTHS now. examples of his last two message: HI, IT'S OLD MAN... HOW ARE YOU? I HOPE YOU ARE WELL. KEEP IN TOUCH. YOURS, OLD MAN. and: THINKING OF YOU... OLD MAN :)
no shit.
anyway.
he called me last night on PRIVATE! little fucker.
Me: Good afternoon, Bee speaking.
Old Man: Bee! hello!
Me: (i knew who it was just from those two words and nearly rammed up the car in front of me on Alexandra Pde). Hello? who's this?
Old Man: uh, Bee, it's Old Man
Me: (feigning ignorance) Old Man?
Old Man: yes, we did the personal development course together?
at this point i ran through all this in my head in a matter of milliseconds:
1- i didn't want to talk to him
2 - last time i was stuck on the phone with him for half an hour and he left thinking i was interested in him
3- if i was going to be nice and polite to him the same would happen again
4- i was around the corner from salsa, and was this entire conversation worth it? NO!
Me: (coldly) ah yes Old Man (things thought but not said: Wow! How are you? i haven't spoken to you in ages!)
Old Man: uhm, so... Bee? how have you been?
Me: Good. (thoughts: eek! this is killing me... feel insane desire to ask him how he is... biting lip)
Old Man: oh ok. uhm, so Bee, i was wondering, I'm going to that other Personal development course, and there's an introduction to it this tuesday, and i would really love you to come with me as my guest.
Me: um, no thankyou (HAD TO say thankyou at the end... otherwise would have had an accident on the road)
Old Man: uh, well, why not?
Me: i'm not interested in it. (i'm KILLING myself. i am actually going to make myself explode from rudeness)
Old Man: but... (by this point, clearly struggling with this one sided conversation) that's what an introduction is for, to see if you're interested.
Me: no. i'm telling you i'm not. (agh! aaaaagh!)
Old Man: oh, ok (very taken aback)
Me: ok, well Old Man, have a good evening, bye! (i already feel like a dog, might as well keep going)
Old Man: uhm, bye Bee (almost a whisper)
good god!
i literally nearly killed myself doing that!
and others on the road around me.
we made out. very nice.
and so we're lying in a park under the stars (or just one star rather cos it was rather cloudy) and he was talking. he talks quite a bit. it's nice. and he asks me questions. and i'm so wrapped up in listening to him that i don't really answer. apart from the amazing fact that i can't really think of anything to say, i'm just waiting to listen to the next thing he says. i spend so much time with people who listen to me 24/7... this must be what it's like to be on the other end. it's actually nice, and i never thought it would be. i now understand my best friend, who would always say simply 'But Bee, i'm a listener,' when i used to get exasperated at her silence.
but i think it annoyed him. my silence, i mean. well, it's not like i wasn't answering him at all, but i certainly wasn't furthering the conversation. in the field that i'm in, i'm very aware of the difference between open and closed conversation... and i just realised tonight, 4 nights later, that he would have been really struggling.
and i want to say sorry, but i guess it doesn't matter, cos i'm not going to see him again anyway. but i feel ridiculously guilty. and i also feel like laughing my head off, cos i don't think i've EVER been in that situation in my life; where i've been the quiet one making the other person feel uncomfortable.
no! actually i lie! i can tie another story into this!
Just last night Old Man called me. he has been regularly (around every 10 days to 2 weeks) messaging me and calling me. i've been ignoring everything. this has been going on for MONTHS now. examples of his last two message: HI, IT'S OLD MAN... HOW ARE YOU? I HOPE YOU ARE WELL. KEEP IN TOUCH. YOURS, OLD MAN. and: THINKING OF YOU... OLD MAN :)
no shit.
anyway.
he called me last night on PRIVATE! little fucker.
Me: Good afternoon, Bee speaking.
Old Man: Bee! hello!
Me: (i knew who it was just from those two words and nearly rammed up the car in front of me on Alexandra Pde). Hello? who's this?
Old Man: uh, Bee, it's Old Man
Me: (feigning ignorance) Old Man?
Old Man: yes, we did the personal development course together?
at this point i ran through all this in my head in a matter of milliseconds:
1- i didn't want to talk to him
2 - last time i was stuck on the phone with him for half an hour and he left thinking i was interested in him
3- if i was going to be nice and polite to him the same would happen again
4- i was around the corner from salsa, and was this entire conversation worth it? NO!
Me: (coldly) ah yes Old Man (things thought but not said: Wow! How are you? i haven't spoken to you in ages!)
Old Man: uhm, so... Bee? how have you been?
Me: Good. (thoughts: eek! this is killing me... feel insane desire to ask him how he is... biting lip)
Old Man: oh ok. uhm, so Bee, i was wondering, I'm going to that other Personal development course, and there's an introduction to it this tuesday, and i would really love you to come with me as my guest.
Me: um, no thankyou (HAD TO say thankyou at the end... otherwise would have had an accident on the road)
Old Man: uh, well, why not?
Me: i'm not interested in it. (i'm KILLING myself. i am actually going to make myself explode from rudeness)
Old Man: but... (by this point, clearly struggling with this one sided conversation) that's what an introduction is for, to see if you're interested.
Me: no. i'm telling you i'm not. (agh! aaaaagh!)
Old Man: oh, ok (very taken aback)
Me: ok, well Old Man, have a good evening, bye! (i already feel like a dog, might as well keep going)
Old Man: uhm, bye Bee (almost a whisper)
good god!
i literally nearly killed myself doing that!
and others on the road around me.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
life's pleasures
it was great!
i love myself.
i took great pleasure today in telling my co-worker, S. (the one who is married and faithful and is living vicariously through me and other co-worker J. and is telling us to go out and shag 24/7) that i went out on a date Saturday night and that i didn't kiss him, or even touch him, other than peck-on-the-cheek hello and goodbye.
S: 'what?! and he wants to see you again?'
me: Yep
S: like, you're actually going on a second date with him? and you didn't kiss him? are you sure?
love it. love myself. love that i've ruined her theory on being a slut and shagging everyone in sight.
i win!
i love myself.
i took great pleasure today in telling my co-worker, S. (the one who is married and faithful and is living vicariously through me and other co-worker J. and is telling us to go out and shag 24/7) that i went out on a date Saturday night and that i didn't kiss him, or even touch him, other than peck-on-the-cheek hello and goodbye.
S: 'what?! and he wants to see you again?'
me: Yep
S: like, you're actually going on a second date with him? and you didn't kiss him? are you sure?
love it. love myself. love that i've ruined her theory on being a slut and shagging everyone in sight.
i win!
Monday, November 24, 2008
'actively' looking
my best friend had a mini intervention with me last week. we caught up for lunch because i was off work sick. i was telling her a funny story from salsa and she suddenly interrupted...
L: Bee
Me: ...and then she - What?
L: Bee you need to start dating
Me: huh? L., you're not listening, i'm telling you a story! anyway-
L: Bee, why aren't you going out on dates?
Me: (succumbing to my story being well and truly interrupted) well... i dunno.
L: Yes you do know. you're always at salsa. like ALL THE TIME. and you know there's no one there for you
Me: well i'm not really looking. not actively looking anyway.
L: well i think you should
Me: well i think your face should. (2 year old, i know)
L: Bee... are you gonna go on some dates? please?
Me: fuck, L. no, i could if i wanted to, i don't want to!
L: Bee! come on! for me?!
Me: date... for you? you're a dik... FINE! i'll date... just let me finish my story!
so i finished my story. and i actually thought about the fact that L. said something to me. I know my friends, and i know that she would have been sent as the messenger on behalf of all my friends to tell me i need to date, which also means that they have discussed my lack of dates with one another.
hmm.
they're always dating.
and i would never in a million years go on the dates that they go on. like they meet guys at clubs, kiss them (as if!) and exchange numbers and meet up at the guy's house. they're constantly telling me off, and i try my hardest to keep my mouth shut to stop myself from inadvertedly calling them slags. i love my friends, and i don't care if that's what they want to do, but there is no hope in hell i'm going to do that.
so anyway - a guy asked me out and i went out on a date Saturday night.
and i didn't kiss him.
nor did the date take place at his house.
and we're messaging / calling / emailing.
see?
so there
L: Bee
Me: ...and then she - What?
L: Bee you need to start dating
Me: huh? L., you're not listening, i'm telling you a story! anyway-
L: Bee, why aren't you going out on dates?
Me: (succumbing to my story being well and truly interrupted) well... i dunno.
L: Yes you do know. you're always at salsa. like ALL THE TIME. and you know there's no one there for you
Me: well i'm not really looking. not actively looking anyway.
L: well i think you should
Me: well i think your face should. (2 year old, i know)
L: Bee... are you gonna go on some dates? please?
Me: fuck, L. no, i could if i wanted to, i don't want to!
L: Bee! come on! for me?!
Me: date... for you? you're a dik... FINE! i'll date... just let me finish my story!
so i finished my story. and i actually thought about the fact that L. said something to me. I know my friends, and i know that she would have been sent as the messenger on behalf of all my friends to tell me i need to date, which also means that they have discussed my lack of dates with one another.
hmm.
they're always dating.
and i would never in a million years go on the dates that they go on. like they meet guys at clubs, kiss them (as if!) and exchange numbers and meet up at the guy's house. they're constantly telling me off, and i try my hardest to keep my mouth shut to stop myself from inadvertedly calling them slags. i love my friends, and i don't care if that's what they want to do, but there is no hope in hell i'm going to do that.
so anyway - a guy asked me out and i went out on a date Saturday night.
and i didn't kiss him.
nor did the date take place at his house.
and we're messaging / calling / emailing.
see?
so there
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
eek! i'm increasing the distance...
between myself and males who can't spell to save their souls.
i'm a nerd. i know that. i can do all the social things i want but at the end of the day i'm fully aware that i'm a geek and a bookworm. i do my latin dancing, i go to performances, karaoke, pilates, yoga, burlesque class. i do it... but if you peel off one layer, just one, you'll find hundreds of books and blogs and stories and smses. what applications do i have on my iphone?
facebook - so i can read to stay updated 24/7 with everyone
sudoku - the only form of 'maths' i do since year 12
stanza - download books on my iphone and read them. so far i've read: the wizard of oz, Les Miserables, the time machine and orwell's bookshop memories. GEEK
banner - ok this one is a gimmick - it's one of those lcd banners and i can write whatever i want it it scrolls accross the screen eg. saturday morning GO AWAY MUM I'M SLEEPING
wikipanion - mini wikipedia so i can wiki anything day or night
world wiki - gives me info on every country in the world
blanks - an AWESOME game where you have to fill in the missing word
eg. an event or situation that happens at the same time as or in connection with another
concomitant, raillery, peasant or bigot?
translator - self explanatory - can do any language
tanzen - nerdy game where you have to fit the small shapes into the one larger shape.
lightsaber - hehe.
like is this what i bought the iphone for?
hang on, i digress.
so, i own thesauruses, dictionaries, books of sayings, analogies, metaphors; everything! i just came across this freerice.com site that donates 20 grains of rice to the UN world food program for every correct answer.
eg.the effect of the cold will not affect / effect me. choose one.
like seriously. i just got off msn chatting with a guy who couldn't string a sentence together much less spell, i was actually angry at him but i think it's my fault! he may have spelt 'a lot' as one word, and 'guess' without the 'u' but does that make him a bad person? (well yes because in the space of one minutes he asked me if i wanted to settle down, if i wanted to marry, if i wanted kids, when i was planning on settling and if i had an investment property. my response was 'are you drunk?' 'lol, no why?') hmmm
i'm a nerd. i know that. i can do all the social things i want but at the end of the day i'm fully aware that i'm a geek and a bookworm. i do my latin dancing, i go to performances, karaoke, pilates, yoga, burlesque class. i do it... but if you peel off one layer, just one, you'll find hundreds of books and blogs and stories and smses. what applications do i have on my iphone?
facebook - so i can read to stay updated 24/7 with everyone
sudoku - the only form of 'maths' i do since year 12
stanza - download books on my iphone and read them. so far i've read: the wizard of oz, Les Miserables, the time machine and orwell's bookshop memories. GEEK
banner - ok this one is a gimmick - it's one of those lcd banners and i can write whatever i want it it scrolls accross the screen eg. saturday morning GO AWAY MUM I'M SLEEPING
wikipanion - mini wikipedia so i can wiki anything day or night
world wiki - gives me info on every country in the world
blanks - an AWESOME game where you have to fill in the missing word
eg. an event or situation that happens at the same time as or in connection with another
concomitant, raillery, peasant or bigot?
translator - self explanatory - can do any language
tanzen - nerdy game where you have to fit the small shapes into the one larger shape.
lightsaber - hehe.
like is this what i bought the iphone for?
hang on, i digress.
so, i own thesauruses, dictionaries, books of sayings, analogies, metaphors; everything! i just came across this freerice.com site that donates 20 grains of rice to the UN world food program for every correct answer.
eg.the effect of the cold will not affect / effect me. choose one.
like seriously. i just got off msn chatting with a guy who couldn't string a sentence together much less spell, i was actually angry at him but i think it's my fault! he may have spelt 'a lot' as one word, and 'guess' without the 'u' but does that make him a bad person? (well yes because in the space of one minutes he asked me if i wanted to settle down, if i wanted to marry, if i wanted kids, when i was planning on settling and if i had an investment property. my response was 'are you drunk?' 'lol, no why?') hmmm
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
my next boyfriend...
i'm not even going to kiss him. not even hold his hand. seriously. i'm bored at home, reading every printed word known to man. i've got piles of books around me, have been reading blogs to death, and now decided to do something really terrible and reread my ex's emails.
oh
my
god
i'm reading them chronologically which i've probably never done before and it's suddenly very obvious that he was much more interested in me while we were still talking, before we were a couple. honestly, our initial emails back and forth are him writing two or three paragraphs and me responding with one line, or even sometimes one word. the day we became a couple is literally the day he starts writing one liners, usually saying 'i'll talk to you tonight when i see you.' now we were seeing each other very regularly when we weren't together - so it's not like anything changed there.
what bullshit.
oh
my
god
i'm reading them chronologically which i've probably never done before and it's suddenly very obvious that he was much more interested in me while we were still talking, before we were a couple. honestly, our initial emails back and forth are him writing two or three paragraphs and me responding with one line, or even sometimes one word. the day we became a couple is literally the day he starts writing one liners, usually saying 'i'll talk to you tonight when i see you.' now we were seeing each other very regularly when we weren't together - so it's not like anything changed there.
what bullshit.
Monday, November 17, 2008
is spelling THAT important?!
facebook conversation between me and my cousin D yesterday
(previous conversation was me telling her to not send an abusive message to the guy she was seeing)
D: well can i send him a nice message then?
B: no. no. no. you have gone on ONE date. no
D: but we speak every day!
B: you cannot akt like a neurotic wife
D: fine but i'm just letting you know that i'm in a foul mood
B: fine.
D: akt?! lol
B: how did i put k in? how the hell did i do that?
D:that's ok... C. (her best friend) picked up a guy last night who rites thet and rebbet
B: ?
D: that and rabbit
B: bahaha omg poor girl
D: that's not even phonetic... worse than V. (D.'s ex, who used to talk and write like a muzza)
B: !
D: lol she cancelled her date
B: based on spelling. did she tell him?
D: no.
now that might not seem that normal to you, for girls to make a massive deal about spelling BUT WE DO! if a guy rites lyk dis n speeks lyk a muzztek forget it.
if they speak like morons with wog accents that they can turn on and off (eg. work versus hanging out 'with the boys') forget it.
before i come across as a total bitch i'd like to point out that my ex, A., spoke english as his second language and that is NOT what i'm talking about at all here. he misspelt things all the time, and got his words mixed up when he spoke - i didn't care, i'm an ESL teacher!
and after all there are some girls out there that really go for wogs like that. ones that call their girlfriends their 'missus', the kinds of guys who seem to wear hats all the time, strangely. (i'm fully aware that i'm stereotyping)
a little while ago i met someone online who spoke well and could spell. i was HOOKED. that was all it took. that is ridiculous. is it because when you're chatting over the internet or over sms that you have so little to latch onto that if spelling is perfect you'll see that as a major plus? people's spelling doesn't mean they're a good or bad person. it might relate to how they speak, which would then affect whether or not i'm attracted to them i guess.
and finally i accidentally type things like 'akt'. what if i wrote that to a new guy and he pfffffted me and didn't respond? would i like that? NO. so from now on i will be nicer to guys who were obviously picking their noses and flicking it at other kids in primary school while the rest of the class was being taught how to spell.
(previous conversation was me telling her to not send an abusive message to the guy she was seeing)
D: well can i send him a nice message then?
B: no. no. no. you have gone on ONE date. no
D: but we speak every day!
B: you cannot akt like a neurotic wife
D: fine but i'm just letting you know that i'm in a foul mood
B: fine.
D: akt?! lol
B: how did i put k in? how the hell did i do that?
D:that's ok... C. (her best friend) picked up a guy last night who rites thet and rebbet
B: ?
D: that and rabbit
B: bahaha omg poor girl
D: that's not even phonetic... worse than V. (D.'s ex, who used to talk and write like a muzza)
B: !
D: lol she cancelled her date
B: based on spelling. did she tell him?
D: no.
now that might not seem that normal to you, for girls to make a massive deal about spelling BUT WE DO! if a guy rites lyk dis n speeks lyk a muzztek forget it.
if they speak like morons with wog accents that they can turn on and off (eg. work versus hanging out 'with the boys') forget it.
before i come across as a total bitch i'd like to point out that my ex, A., spoke english as his second language and that is NOT what i'm talking about at all here. he misspelt things all the time, and got his words mixed up when he spoke - i didn't care, i'm an ESL teacher!
and after all there are some girls out there that really go for wogs like that. ones that call their girlfriends their 'missus', the kinds of guys who seem to wear hats all the time, strangely. (i'm fully aware that i'm stereotyping)
a little while ago i met someone online who spoke well and could spell. i was HOOKED. that was all it took. that is ridiculous. is it because when you're chatting over the internet or over sms that you have so little to latch onto that if spelling is perfect you'll see that as a major plus? people's spelling doesn't mean they're a good or bad person. it might relate to how they speak, which would then affect whether or not i'm attracted to them i guess.
and finally i accidentally type things like 'akt'. what if i wrote that to a new guy and he pfffffted me and didn't respond? would i like that? NO. so from now on i will be nicer to guys who were obviously picking their noses and flicking it at other kids in primary school while the rest of the class was being taught how to spell.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
brain retraining checklist
they are having an intervention with me right now. to detract from this we're making the following checklist for when brain retraining is required-
1 (only applies to bianca) does he have hair?
2 is his friedge covered in speeding fines?
3 is he always broke? (could be a druggie/alco)
4 is he still acting like an 18 year old?
5 is he secretive about stuff?
6 is he self centered?
7 does he put in less to the relationship as you do?
8 is he still hanging out with his ex girlfriends?
9 does it take him longer than 1 day to sms you back?
10 does it take him longer than five months to do something nice?
1 (only applies to bianca) does he have hair?
2 is his friedge covered in speeding fines?
3 is he always broke? (could be a druggie/alco)
4 is he still acting like an 18 year old?
5 is he secretive about stuff?
6 is he self centered?
7 does he put in less to the relationship as you do?
8 is he still hanging out with his ex girlfriends?
9 does it take him longer than 1 day to sms you back?
10 does it take him longer than five months to do something nice?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
bitter and twisted
a few weeks ago at dancing one of my friends, George (not the bald one), was telling us a story about these two girls he overheard at the motor show, talking about guys they were seeing. they were leggy barbies, the ones that usually wear next to nothing or, worse still, have their clothes just painted on. anyway, he heard one say to the other 'well, i'm seeing Rick and Paul at the moment, but really, at the end of the day, Rick makes 120 grand a year and Paul only makes 85 grand a year so I think i'm going to keep Rick.'
He spun around and went skitzo at them. Told them it was stupid girls like them that made men the way they are. Told them that their looks will eventually fade and they'd be left with nothing. Told them that there was clearly nothing between the ears. That Rick and Paul were probably screwing another 10 girls each. He told them that they weren't anything special. They were apparently stunned into silence and didn't respond.
He turned to me and asked 'Can you believe how stupid they were?!"
I suddenly realised I'd been holding my breath. I looked over at Renee, an older dancer who is very happy with her partner. She looked how i felt about the whole story.
'George,' I said gently. 'You sound really bitter and twisted.'
'What?! what doyou think?' he asked Renee.
'Uhm,' she stammered. 'well, not twisted... but bitter, very bitter.'
'I sound like that,' I whispered, more to myself than them.
'What, bella?' Renee asked, trying to get out of telling George she thought he was insance.
'I sound like that. Sometimes. Not all the time. But listening to George just now made me realise that sometimes... that's me. But the other way around. I'm going crazy at men and blaming random men for all the horrible things that other men have done to me. I don't want to sound like that.' My head was spinning.
'Honey, seriously, you never sound like that. So don't worry,' Renee reassured me.
but sometimes i do.
He spun around and went skitzo at them. Told them it was stupid girls like them that made men the way they are. Told them that their looks will eventually fade and they'd be left with nothing. Told them that there was clearly nothing between the ears. That Rick and Paul were probably screwing another 10 girls each. He told them that they weren't anything special. They were apparently stunned into silence and didn't respond.
He turned to me and asked 'Can you believe how stupid they were?!"
I suddenly realised I'd been holding my breath. I looked over at Renee, an older dancer who is very happy with her partner. She looked how i felt about the whole story.
'George,' I said gently. 'You sound really bitter and twisted.'
'What?! what doyou think?' he asked Renee.
'Uhm,' she stammered. 'well, not twisted... but bitter, very bitter.'
'I sound like that,' I whispered, more to myself than them.
'What, bella?' Renee asked, trying to get out of telling George she thought he was insance.
'I sound like that. Sometimes. Not all the time. But listening to George just now made me realise that sometimes... that's me. But the other way around. I'm going crazy at men and blaming random men for all the horrible things that other men have done to me. I don't want to sound like that.' My head was spinning.
'Honey, seriously, you never sound like that. So don't worry,' Renee reassured me.
but sometimes i do.
Friday, October 17, 2008
'He's a dick' training
cousin, D, has been insisting that the moment one gives up on who they fancy (fucking Bridget Jones) that's when the fancied will present back in your life and then you have to retrain yourself to like them again. unfortunately D. said that they don't come back into your life until you convince yourself that your fancied man is a dick. and not fake dislike, you really need to make yourself get over him. referred to as 'he's a dick brain training.' the moment you actually believe that he's no good for you, he's seeing 3 other girls, he's homosexual etc that's when he'll suddenly reappear and seem the epitome of perfection.
went out for brunch with workmates J and B, told them D's ridiculous story... and they both believed it wholeheartedly and tried to convince me it was actually so. what utter rubbish. the world doesn't work in a 'Ha ha, tricked ya!' kind of way. couldn't believe they were backing her up - theory is utter bullshit.
tonight i called D, complaining about boy troubles. by the end of the telephone call we decided to commence 'he's a dick brain retraining.' got off the mobile and said out loud to myself in the car 'ok. beginning he's a dick brain retraining.... He's a dick.' NO SOONER HAD THE WORDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH THAT THE AFORE MENTIONED 'DICK' MESSAGED MY MOBILE.
called B - told him about the sms right after proclaiming fancied's dickedness. he didn't seem very surprised. that shit me - like as if he was so certain of the theory that of course it would happen. still think it's just one massive coincidence... but slightly freaky too.
decided that, dick or not, have to stop messaging him. went through phone and changed name to DO NOT MESSAGE to remind myself when am about to press send. noticed my ever growing list of DO NOT ANSWER numbers in contact list, combination of stalkers and... well, stalkers. hate that i get like this. if someone talks to me i quieten down. if someone doesn't talk i turn into a fucking maniac and blabber on till i'm totally nonsensical. so - we'll see how long i can withhold contact... perhaps should tell S and J so they can make another bet on me grrrrr
went out for brunch with workmates J and B, told them D's ridiculous story... and they both believed it wholeheartedly and tried to convince me it was actually so. what utter rubbish. the world doesn't work in a 'Ha ha, tricked ya!' kind of way. couldn't believe they were backing her up - theory is utter bullshit.
tonight i called D, complaining about boy troubles. by the end of the telephone call we decided to commence 'he's a dick brain retraining.' got off the mobile and said out loud to myself in the car 'ok. beginning he's a dick brain retraining.... He's a dick.' NO SOONER HAD THE WORDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH THAT THE AFORE MENTIONED 'DICK' MESSAGED MY MOBILE.
called B - told him about the sms right after proclaiming fancied's dickedness. he didn't seem very surprised. that shit me - like as if he was so certain of the theory that of course it would happen. still think it's just one massive coincidence... but slightly freaky too.
decided that, dick or not, have to stop messaging him. went through phone and changed name to DO NOT MESSAGE to remind myself when am about to press send. noticed my ever growing list of DO NOT ANSWER numbers in contact list, combination of stalkers and... well, stalkers. hate that i get like this. if someone talks to me i quieten down. if someone doesn't talk i turn into a fucking maniac and blabber on till i'm totally nonsensical. so - we'll see how long i can withhold contact... perhaps should tell S and J so they can make another bet on me grrrrr
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Bridget Jones is ruining my life
first and foremost it's ruining my writing style, because not only am writing like Helen Fielding, am also thinking in these wierd, staccattoed sentences. so stupid.
so - have been having slight troubles relating to males lately. Under normal circumstances i'd just think at night, act the next day, and accept whatever comes. Except now circle of friends has changed slightly. at work i'm now surrounded by three people:
B-Gay male youth worker. My age exactly. is having boy troubles of his own, therefore the conversation comes up quite a bit. He says he's never had a boyfriend, but really, the gay world is so blaze about everything, it's just not the same. when i say i haven't had a boyfriend for a year that also means i haven't done anything, bar an odd kiss here or there. he's dating, kissing, groping and more as part of his regular weekend routine. i can't keep up with his stories for all the men he refers to.
J- female youth worker, one year younger than me, recently broke up with her boyfriend of years and years and is now in a wonderful rebound relationship. love her to death, but she is truly rubbing in my 13 month problem... like literally rubbing; got my hand last week, exclaimed 'feel this!' and rubbed by hand up against her cheek which felt as smooth as a baby's bottom. 'that's what 3 hours of sex will do for you.' even more miserable now as my own skin has become horrific for the first time in my entire life.
S- female youth worker and mother. happily married with 2 kids. she's decided to live her life vicariously through ours and is pro J's rebound relationship and has been trying desperately to get me to 'go out and have a good old shag' (she's english). have explained to her till i'm blue in the face that i'm not like that.
so even if i go into work thinking i'm not going to discuss my love life (or lack thereof), it inevitably is just hanging around in the air, awaiting one of us to start talking about.
S has totally done my head in with her books lately. she read this book entitled 'Chasing Harry Winston' by the same author of the devil wears prada. (note; some serious editing problems in that text). nevertheless, she briefly explained about the three girls in the book; the gorgeous one that has a new guy every day (B), the solid and stable one in a relationship who has suddenly broken up (J) and the one who will only shag (her word) a guy if she's 'in love' with him so her friends dare her to shag a guy from each continent. at this point they all turned to me. i am not fucking random men from antarctica. my workmates are insane.
so i read the book. got up to the part where my character finally has her first random shag and it's great. i sent an sms at 1am to B, J and S: HEY GUYS. I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT I THINK I DO HAVE TO HAVE RANDOM SEX. I JUST READ THE PART WHERE EMMY HAS SEX WITH GEORGE IN THE SPA, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE SO MANY GODDAM RULES. IT'S NOW YOUR JOBS TO FIND ME A GUY - I'M SO OVER TEA!
(perhaps should insert here that i started a tea drinking obsession - every time thought about single doom and it's related domedness drank a cup of tea. S and J had an intervention with me a couple of months ago when, at 9.35am, i was onto my third cup)
One week later i finished the book and we were having coffee at Gloria Jeans (not STARFUCKS where they yell at you for buying their cups and refilling them! diks...) and i quietly admitted that i'd thought about it, and my conclusion was that random sex was not for me. they jumped up, S high fived J and yelled 'i told you it'd take her a week to go back on it!' 'Damn, a week today too, i thought it'd take longer! good guess!' what the fuck, they were literally making bets on me.
so - have been having slight troubles relating to males lately. Under normal circumstances i'd just think at night, act the next day, and accept whatever comes. Except now circle of friends has changed slightly. at work i'm now surrounded by three people:
B-Gay male youth worker. My age exactly. is having boy troubles of his own, therefore the conversation comes up quite a bit. He says he's never had a boyfriend, but really, the gay world is so blaze about everything, it's just not the same. when i say i haven't had a boyfriend for a year that also means i haven't done anything, bar an odd kiss here or there. he's dating, kissing, groping and more as part of his regular weekend routine. i can't keep up with his stories for all the men he refers to.
J- female youth worker, one year younger than me, recently broke up with her boyfriend of years and years and is now in a wonderful rebound relationship. love her to death, but she is truly rubbing in my 13 month problem... like literally rubbing; got my hand last week, exclaimed 'feel this!' and rubbed by hand up against her cheek which felt as smooth as a baby's bottom. 'that's what 3 hours of sex will do for you.' even more miserable now as my own skin has become horrific for the first time in my entire life.
S- female youth worker and mother. happily married with 2 kids. she's decided to live her life vicariously through ours and is pro J's rebound relationship and has been trying desperately to get me to 'go out and have a good old shag' (she's english). have explained to her till i'm blue in the face that i'm not like that.
so even if i go into work thinking i'm not going to discuss my love life (or lack thereof), it inevitably is just hanging around in the air, awaiting one of us to start talking about.
S has totally done my head in with her books lately. she read this book entitled 'Chasing Harry Winston' by the same author of the devil wears prada. (note; some serious editing problems in that text). nevertheless, she briefly explained about the three girls in the book; the gorgeous one that has a new guy every day (B), the solid and stable one in a relationship who has suddenly broken up (J) and the one who will only shag (her word) a guy if she's 'in love' with him so her friends dare her to shag a guy from each continent. at this point they all turned to me. i am not fucking random men from antarctica. my workmates are insane.
so i read the book. got up to the part where my character finally has her first random shag and it's great. i sent an sms at 1am to B, J and S: HEY GUYS. I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT I THINK I DO HAVE TO HAVE RANDOM SEX. I JUST READ THE PART WHERE EMMY HAS SEX WITH GEORGE IN THE SPA, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE SO MANY GODDAM RULES. IT'S NOW YOUR JOBS TO FIND ME A GUY - I'M SO OVER TEA!
(perhaps should insert here that i started a tea drinking obsession - every time thought about single doom and it's related domedness drank a cup of tea. S and J had an intervention with me a couple of months ago when, at 9.35am, i was onto my third cup)
One week later i finished the book and we were having coffee at Gloria Jeans (not STARFUCKS where they yell at you for buying their cups and refilling them! diks...) and i quietly admitted that i'd thought about it, and my conclusion was that random sex was not for me. they jumped up, S high fived J and yelled 'i told you it'd take her a week to go back on it!' 'Damn, a week today too, i thought it'd take longer! good guess!' what the fuck, they were literally making bets on me.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
babies everywhere
i had a major vent to two of my coworkers yesterday morning after watching the movie. Sarah, who is 38 and had two children by the time she was my age, kept on yelling 'Bee! shutup! you're only 24! get over it! you've got years ahead of you!' My other co-worker, Brett, kept rolling his eyes and saying 'Bee, seriously, calm down, come on let's go to lunch.'
so i drove us to the plaza and Brett, trying to be nice, suggested that we walk through Myer instead of the normal entrance so Sarah can look for Bali clothes and I can look for Thailand clothes. first step in and we were faced with an enormous infant display with a giant stork holding a sheet with babies inside and lots of tiny baby clothes around.
'See?! it's everywhere!' i screamed. Brett dragged me off and said 'ooh look Bee! 75% off and it's all summer stock! just what you need!'
i began rifling through the racks and found everything to be either size 6 or 16. then i found this beautiful white kaftan that would have been perfect to wear over bikinis in Thailand. My mood instantly lightened - only $50 too!
Sarah saw it and her face fell. 'that's what i want... if it doesn't fit you can i try it on? it's not going to fit your boobs anyway'
'Will too! Bitch!' i skipped off to the change room, ripped off my skirt and top, put on the kaftan... and it totally didn't fit my chest.
'Bee? can i try it on now?' Sarah was waiting on the other side of the door.
'Get stuffed! agh!' i ripped it off and opened the door in my underwear and threw it at her. She did this psychotic evil laugh (ok maybe it just seemed that way) and ran into her change room with it. I grumbled through putting my clothes back on and came out to find her in the corridor with it on, looking STUNNING and it fitting her chest perfectly.
'i hate you!' i yelled and stormed out. I waited by the cash register as she bought MY kaftan - only to then hear the cashier tell her it was reduced further to $12.50
Sarah took one look at my face and burst out laughing. this one was an evil laugh - there was no doubt about it.
we grabbed lunch and i went back into my office and wrote my last blog about the movie to vent. i closed it and realised i had an email from my friend from dancing who is pregnant at the moment, inviting me to a nappy party - like how you can perfume or underwear parties - she's having a Reusable Nappy Party ... and she wrote 'I KNOW most of you don’t have children but you may have them one day so could be worth a look.'
so next wednesday i'm now going to this nappy party and i'm going to feel her tummy and her other friends will be there with babies and AGH! i can't wait to go to thailand and hopefully fill my head with other things.
so i drove us to the plaza and Brett, trying to be nice, suggested that we walk through Myer instead of the normal entrance so Sarah can look for Bali clothes and I can look for Thailand clothes. first step in and we were faced with an enormous infant display with a giant stork holding a sheet with babies inside and lots of tiny baby clothes around.
'See?! it's everywhere!' i screamed. Brett dragged me off and said 'ooh look Bee! 75% off and it's all summer stock! just what you need!'
i began rifling through the racks and found everything to be either size 6 or 16. then i found this beautiful white kaftan that would have been perfect to wear over bikinis in Thailand. My mood instantly lightened - only $50 too!
Sarah saw it and her face fell. 'that's what i want... if it doesn't fit you can i try it on? it's not going to fit your boobs anyway'
'Will too! Bitch!' i skipped off to the change room, ripped off my skirt and top, put on the kaftan... and it totally didn't fit my chest.
'Bee? can i try it on now?' Sarah was waiting on the other side of the door.
'Get stuffed! agh!' i ripped it off and opened the door in my underwear and threw it at her. She did this psychotic evil laugh (ok maybe it just seemed that way) and ran into her change room with it. I grumbled through putting my clothes back on and came out to find her in the corridor with it on, looking STUNNING and it fitting her chest perfectly.
'i hate you!' i yelled and stormed out. I waited by the cash register as she bought MY kaftan - only to then hear the cashier tell her it was reduced further to $12.50
Sarah took one look at my face and burst out laughing. this one was an evil laugh - there was no doubt about it.
we grabbed lunch and i went back into my office and wrote my last blog about the movie to vent. i closed it and realised i had an email from my friend from dancing who is pregnant at the moment, inviting me to a nappy party - like how you can perfume or underwear parties - she's having a Reusable Nappy Party ... and she wrote 'I KNOW most of you don’t have children but you may have them one day so could be worth a look.'
so next wednesday i'm now going to this nappy party and i'm going to feel her tummy and her other friends will be there with babies and AGH! i can't wait to go to thailand and hopefully fill my head with other things.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
i am hollywood's drawing board
so i found ANOTHER movie about me last night. well this one isn't about me in the present, but it sure as hell will be.
i went to watch 'Baby Mama' last night. about a woman who has been into her career and friends and family and never met 'the one' and then finds herself 37 and childless - so she tries IVF and when it proves to be unsuccessful (due to a T-shaped uterus!?) she decides to go the surrogate option.
in my private blog i have written this:
is it all worth it?
what do i want from life?
i want kids. of that i am certain. there is no doubt and there will never be any doubt of that. i want kids more than i want a husband and more than i want to get married, i've realised lately.
if i get to 30 and i'm still unatached with no vision in the near future of getting married i will seriously begin looking for ways to have kids. be it a sperm donor, marrying one of my gay friends and adopting, i don't care. even doing foster care to lead to adoption. i don't care, i need kids.
i don't look at men and think 'omg, i NEED one of those in my life'. but i do look at children and melt and cry and stay miserable for ages.
i look at myself and think realistically i'm only 24. but i want to be a nonna. i want my children, their husbands and wives and their children around me. i want my grandchildren to come over to have sleepovers at Nonna Bianca's house. i don't want to have kids at 40 and be in a nursing home before they get married
truthfully i want to have kids in my 20's. i would like... 27. that's only 2 and a half years away. i know it's not going to happen.
what could possibly be so bad about going on RSVP? if in a few years time i'm going to be more than willing to marry a gay man - what's the problem then with going on one of those internet dating things?
so i began googling adoption last night and i couldn't stop reading. there seems to be three options - foster care leading to adoption, domestic adoption and international adoption. and the prices weren't as insane as what i had been expecting either - that said - i don't think any amount would shock me because the thought of having a child just makes me hug myself to death.
foster care doesn't really appeal to me. if i was 50 and my kids had moved out of home i would probably do it. or if adoption fell through and i couldn't have my own. but the idea of having a newborn is just what i want, and that just doesn't happen with foster care.
realistically i'd have to adopt from overseas which is double the price of domestic adoptions but again - not fazed in the slightest.
i remember it took my cousins from italy a few years to get their son from Romania, and i thought it would take about the same, possibly longer considering i'm single, but everywhere i'm reading is telling me the process from beginning to end is about one year if you're using an agency. i guess this comes down to two things; that an agency would speed up the process and that they are slow dodgey wankers in Italy.
so... this realization seems very correct in my mind. I'm not looking for a husband; i'm looking for children. Life of a Bee with Kids?
i went to watch 'Baby Mama' last night. about a woman who has been into her career and friends and family and never met 'the one' and then finds herself 37 and childless - so she tries IVF and when it proves to be unsuccessful (due to a T-shaped uterus!?) she decides to go the surrogate option.
in my private blog i have written this:
is it all worth it?
what do i want from life?
i want kids. of that i am certain. there is no doubt and there will never be any doubt of that. i want kids more than i want a husband and more than i want to get married, i've realised lately.
if i get to 30 and i'm still unatached with no vision in the near future of getting married i will seriously begin looking for ways to have kids. be it a sperm donor, marrying one of my gay friends and adopting, i don't care. even doing foster care to lead to adoption. i don't care, i need kids.
i don't look at men and think 'omg, i NEED one of those in my life'. but i do look at children and melt and cry and stay miserable for ages.
i look at myself and think realistically i'm only 24. but i want to be a nonna. i want my children, their husbands and wives and their children around me. i want my grandchildren to come over to have sleepovers at Nonna Bianca's house. i don't want to have kids at 40 and be in a nursing home before they get married
truthfully i want to have kids in my 20's. i would like... 27. that's only 2 and a half years away. i know it's not going to happen.
what could possibly be so bad about going on RSVP? if in a few years time i'm going to be more than willing to marry a gay man - what's the problem then with going on one of those internet dating things?
so i began googling adoption last night and i couldn't stop reading. there seems to be three options - foster care leading to adoption, domestic adoption and international adoption. and the prices weren't as insane as what i had been expecting either - that said - i don't think any amount would shock me because the thought of having a child just makes me hug myself to death.
foster care doesn't really appeal to me. if i was 50 and my kids had moved out of home i would probably do it. or if adoption fell through and i couldn't have my own. but the idea of having a newborn is just what i want, and that just doesn't happen with foster care.
realistically i'd have to adopt from overseas which is double the price of domestic adoptions but again - not fazed in the slightest.
i remember it took my cousins from italy a few years to get their son from Romania, and i thought it would take about the same, possibly longer considering i'm single, but everywhere i'm reading is telling me the process from beginning to end is about one year if you're using an agency. i guess this comes down to two things; that an agency would speed up the process and that they are slow dodgey wankers in Italy.
so... this realization seems very correct in my mind. I'm not looking for a husband; i'm looking for children. Life of a Bee with Kids?
Friday, August 22, 2008
free
I am so happy. Not 'I'm in a good mood'. Not 'I'm having a good day.' I'm ecstatic. And relieved. And normal again.
I went strait from work to the hairdressers last night. I decided to put purple in my hair. I love it. I then went strait to my cousin's house to have dinner and watch SYTYCD. Then strait to Copa for salsa.
I walked in, and even though I had no makeup on cos i'm trying to get rid of a couple of pimples, and my hair was a bit porno starrish cos of the way the hairdresser set it, i didn't care, cos I love everyone at dancing and they love me cos of how i dance and how i am, not how i look.
i sat down and started changing into my dance shoes. I kept getting interrupted cos everyone was coming up to me to kiss me. When my friend R. kissed me i saw past him that my ex was there. We made eye contact. I went back to R. and kept talking, and leant back down to finish hooking the strap in.
And then it clicked; I felt nothing. And oh my god, nothing is bliss! I actually checked again; i looked up and stared at him for a good minute. Nothing. No heart beating fast. No memories running through my head. I didn't feel like vomiting (unfortunately this feeling used to be the most common). In fact, my mind was saying 'Gee, B. get the hell over it, you love this song, don't waste it looking at him, get up and dance.'
so i did. I started dancing with one of the guys and he led me right in front of my ex and i danced and i didn't feel anything.
and i felt so right. i'm so happy i have my nose pierced and purple in my hair. it sounds ridiculous but i know that i would never have done either of those things had we stayed together. I remember the look of horror on his face after we broke up when he saw my stud... as though i'd totally gone off the rails. How ridiculous.
and this is the first entry on my public blog instead of my private about him. i am so chilled and happy.
maybe it's got to do with my weight, cos I'm now back to how much i weighed before we got together. we were together for a year and it's taken a full year to lose it all - on that thought perhaps i should stay single forever so i can stay this size... nah!
I went strait from work to the hairdressers last night. I decided to put purple in my hair. I love it. I then went strait to my cousin's house to have dinner and watch SYTYCD. Then strait to Copa for salsa.
I walked in, and even though I had no makeup on cos i'm trying to get rid of a couple of pimples, and my hair was a bit porno starrish cos of the way the hairdresser set it, i didn't care, cos I love everyone at dancing and they love me cos of how i dance and how i am, not how i look.
i sat down and started changing into my dance shoes. I kept getting interrupted cos everyone was coming up to me to kiss me. When my friend R. kissed me i saw past him that my ex was there. We made eye contact. I went back to R. and kept talking, and leant back down to finish hooking the strap in.
And then it clicked; I felt nothing. And oh my god, nothing is bliss! I actually checked again; i looked up and stared at him for a good minute. Nothing. No heart beating fast. No memories running through my head. I didn't feel like vomiting (unfortunately this feeling used to be the most common). In fact, my mind was saying 'Gee, B. get the hell over it, you love this song, don't waste it looking at him, get up and dance.'
so i did. I started dancing with one of the guys and he led me right in front of my ex and i danced and i didn't feel anything.
and i felt so right. i'm so happy i have my nose pierced and purple in my hair. it sounds ridiculous but i know that i would never have done either of those things had we stayed together. I remember the look of horror on his face after we broke up when he saw my stud... as though i'd totally gone off the rails. How ridiculous.
and this is the first entry on my public blog instead of my private about him. i am so chilled and happy.
maybe it's got to do with my weight, cos I'm now back to how much i weighed before we got together. we were together for a year and it's taken a full year to lose it all - on that thought perhaps i should stay single forever so i can stay this size... nah!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
the power of words...
I am standing behind my salsa friend I., waiting to to buy an orange juice before going into the movies. I hear my message tone go off. I start to pull my phone out of my pocket.
I:Hey Bee, do you want me to just get it for you? the juice... and do you want a choctop?
Me:(opening my phone) um, yeah, get me an oj and... (i read the msg).. and (i can feel my face burn with a blush)... uhm...
I: Bee? what's wrong... oj and what? (he looks at my phone)
Me: (flipping my phone closed and actually looking around suspiciously with a goofy smile on my face, making sure no one else has seen my personal message?!) oh... uhm... (i close my eyes to try to concentrate on what i'm trying to say but the words of the message are flashing across my eyes) i'll uhm... ehh... nothing... don't get me anything.
I: Huh? Bee, just choose something, come on, OJ and?
Me: (eyes closed, still burning) Nothing! I don't want anything! (slightly manic)
I: (looking at me like i'm a lunatic) Whatever...
Me: I'm going to the toilet!
Walking to the toilet I feel suspicious of everyone, and have the crazy feeling that they might know what the personal message was that I just read.
words... just words. and that's all it takes to impress me beyond belief. and - it wasn't even a dirty message. actually if it had been, it would have had less of an effect on me.
major kudos to those who can use words to express themselves - it sounds so basic - but i have yet to meet more than a handful of guys in the world who can do it.
anyway - this was just to illustrate how it takes very little to impress us... one sentence and i can be hooked.
I:Hey Bee, do you want me to just get it for you? the juice... and do you want a choctop?
Me:(opening my phone) um, yeah, get me an oj and... (i read the msg).. and (i can feel my face burn with a blush)... uhm...
I: Bee? what's wrong... oj and what? (he looks at my phone)
Me: (flipping my phone closed and actually looking around suspiciously with a goofy smile on my face, making sure no one else has seen my personal message?!) oh... uhm... (i close my eyes to try to concentrate on what i'm trying to say but the words of the message are flashing across my eyes) i'll uhm... ehh... nothing... don't get me anything.
I: Huh? Bee, just choose something, come on, OJ and?
Me: (eyes closed, still burning) Nothing! I don't want anything! (slightly manic)
I: (looking at me like i'm a lunatic) Whatever...
Me: I'm going to the toilet!
Walking to the toilet I feel suspicious of everyone, and have the crazy feeling that they might know what the personal message was that I just read.
words... just words. and that's all it takes to impress me beyond belief. and - it wasn't even a dirty message. actually if it had been, it would have had less of an effect on me.
major kudos to those who can use words to express themselves - it sounds so basic - but i have yet to meet more than a handful of guys in the world who can do it.
anyway - this was just to illustrate how it takes very little to impress us... one sentence and i can be hooked.
Monday, August 11, 2008
if i hear the word 'fidanzato' one more time...
so we picked up even more relatives from italy on the weekend... and it's great. we get to sit around and talk about gory stories like how my cousin died in the shower and flooded his apartment, how my other cousin is still going through her 7 year adoption struggle with a child from Romania... and how I'm single.
like - me being single is as bad as my cousin having a heart attack and dying in the shower (RIP Paolo - no offense). i can't see how the two can bear equal weight.
i picked up my cousin who is here doing his PHD to take him to salsa a week ago. i decided to be polite and go inside and say a quick hi to my zia. she's got a broken foot at the moment so i figured i would only be stuck talking for as long as it took for me to leave.
Zia: Bee! come stai, eh?
Me: Hi Zia, good thanks, how are you?
Zia: not bad, but you know - questo piede (motioning to her foot)
Me: yeah i know zia, i know
Zia: allora, you're taking F. out? thatsa nice. E il suo fidanzato he's going too?
Me: ah, no zia, i don't have a fidanzato
Zia: ma che?! i thoughta you hadda fidanzato... last time you had one, no?
Me: yeah but zia, not anymore
Zia: ah... ti ha lasciato?
(insert B's thoughts here - why does everyone assume HE left ME? and the fact that it's correct shits me even more!)
Me: ah yeah zia, he left me, ages ago
Zia: ah Bee, no worry, no worry... meglio che ti ha lasciato addesso invece a dopo when you married
(FOR FUCK'S SAKE... better that he left you then than after you're married)
Me: Ok zia, yeah, e' meglio, i gotta go, ciao! (ran out)
Zia: ok ciao! (oblivious to what she's just said)
bleh - that was just the beginning of what happened - it pissed me off so much i can't even tell the point of my story.
and - can i just say - why is there no word for boyfriend in Italian? he is your nothing or he is your fiancé? there's no in between. it's so embarrassing when me or my cousins bring someone who isn't italian and our relatives try to speak english and say they're so happy to meet our 'fiances'. can they not just learn the word 'boyfriend'? they manage to learn the words 'marriage', 'kitchen tea', 'hen's night' and 'honeymoon'. agh!
like - me being single is as bad as my cousin having a heart attack and dying in the shower (RIP Paolo - no offense). i can't see how the two can bear equal weight.
i picked up my cousin who is here doing his PHD to take him to salsa a week ago. i decided to be polite and go inside and say a quick hi to my zia. she's got a broken foot at the moment so i figured i would only be stuck talking for as long as it took for me to leave.
Zia: Bee! come stai, eh?
Me: Hi Zia, good thanks, how are you?
Zia: not bad, but you know - questo piede (motioning to her foot)
Me: yeah i know zia, i know
Zia: allora, you're taking F. out? thatsa nice. E il suo fidanzato he's going too?
Me: ah, no zia, i don't have a fidanzato
Zia: ma che?! i thoughta you hadda fidanzato... last time you had one, no?
Me: yeah but zia, not anymore
Zia: ah... ti ha lasciato?
(insert B's thoughts here - why does everyone assume HE left ME? and the fact that it's correct shits me even more!)
Me: ah yeah zia, he left me, ages ago
Zia: ah Bee, no worry, no worry... meglio che ti ha lasciato addesso invece a dopo when you married
(FOR FUCK'S SAKE... better that he left you then than after you're married)
Me: Ok zia, yeah, e' meglio, i gotta go, ciao! (ran out)
Zia: ok ciao! (oblivious to what she's just said)
bleh - that was just the beginning of what happened - it pissed me off so much i can't even tell the point of my story.
and - can i just say - why is there no word for boyfriend in Italian? he is your nothing or he is your fiancé? there's no in between. it's so embarrassing when me or my cousins bring someone who isn't italian and our relatives try to speak english and say they're so happy to meet our 'fiances'. can they not just learn the word 'boyfriend'? they manage to learn the words 'marriage', 'kitchen tea', 'hen's night' and 'honeymoon'. agh!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
spoiler for sex and the city movie... and tricks of the trade for a runny nose
When I have a runny nose I wander around the house with tissue stuffed into each nostril to catch the drips. I know, it's gross, but sometimes Demazin just doesn't cut it, and unlike my ex, A., I don't want to become addicted to nasal decongestants... so i freely admit to using the tissue-stuffed-in-nostril trick.
i went to watch the Sex and the City movie tonight with my sister, C., and my cousins D. and B. I had never really watched any of the episodes but i figured i couldn't go to salsa anyway because of my cold, so I may as well head down where all the other single females were heading.
well... let me tell you, it took me all of a millisecond to rename the single girls 'Wanker Bitches.' Sometimes i swear, i'm not denying it, but i have to say i felt an incredible need to swear continuously when i saw what some of the girls were wearing to watch a stupid movie at Highpoint. Highpoint. I've never even had to use italics in any of my posts before.
there were girls in twos, threes, fours, gangs. They were loud, giving one another's groups dirty looks to try to outdo each other. There were girls who looked like they had bridal makeup on, and there were stilletos galore. There were girls wearing clothes i wouldn't even wear clubbing - clothes I wouldn't even see salsa dancers wear in professional competitions, and they wear sweet FA. I was wearing black trackies, a purple top and a scarf, which were my work clothes. were they dressed up because they thought they were going to pick up? - impossible, the only males there were the ones who were dragged by their girlfriends. Did they think it was the correct attire to wear to watch such a movie? have i already mentioned that we watched the movie at Hightpoint?!
if you think i'm exaggerating i will name just two things i saw tonight;
1- a gold shimmery backless minidress
2- a fur coat (like actual fur, not fake)
HIGHPOINT
anyway, that's why i couldn't help but call them wanker bitches. it's not the nicest term i've come up with, but it sufficed for the night.
the movie - yeah i have bones to pick with it, but i don't know what was more annoying, the excessive girly loser crap that was happening in the movie or the idiotic girls in the theatre laughing at EVERY GODDAM THING that those 4 girls said.
like Samantha is living somewhere else, not in New York. But she goes down al the time to see the other 3. the first time they see her they scream and hug her and kiss her once on each cheek and go gaga. the second time they see her they scream and hug her and kiss her once on each cheek and go gaga. the fiftieth time (mind you, i think she spends more time in NY than her home, so really who cares?) they say 'guess who's here... Samantha!' and they all scream and hug her etc etc. and the girls in the cinemas laughed every single times, just as hard the fiftieth as they did the first. it just wasn't funny - simple.
C. told me she's going to act like that every time she runs into me in the corridor at home.
now - Carrie and Big's wedding. what is wrong with 214 people? that's only 107 from each side, and it's not like their families lived overseas or they didn't have friends. and what was so good about 75? i think i had 75 people attend my last dress up party.
why don't americans have even the slightest understanding of phone etiquette? what is so hard about saying goodbye at the end of the call? Big calls Carrie the night before the wedding, he tells her he's not sure about marrying her for goodness' sake, she mumbles some crap to him and they hang up without saying goodbye. then surprise surprise he doesn't turn up to the wedding the next day.
let me explain - you should say goodbye to close the conversation. because it was unfinished he called her the next day to try to complete what was left unsaid from the night before and she didn't pick up, therefore there was no wedding. ALL BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE.
and finally - my nose began running halfway through the movie and all i could think about was stuffing tissue up each nostril and putting myself out of my misery.
and that is why i think i'm single... because i can't work out how to stop my runny nose to the point where i cant concentrate on anything else. oh yeah, and i look seriously gross walking around with tissues sticking out of my nose.
I know that the person i end up marrying will be the person who thinks I look cute with ripped Kleenex sticking out of my runny nose.
where are my tissues?
i went to watch the Sex and the City movie tonight with my sister, C., and my cousins D. and B. I had never really watched any of the episodes but i figured i couldn't go to salsa anyway because of my cold, so I may as well head down where all the other single females were heading.
well... let me tell you, it took me all of a millisecond to rename the single girls 'Wanker Bitches.' Sometimes i swear, i'm not denying it, but i have to say i felt an incredible need to swear continuously when i saw what some of the girls were wearing to watch a stupid movie at Highpoint. Highpoint. I've never even had to use italics in any of my posts before.
there were girls in twos, threes, fours, gangs. They were loud, giving one another's groups dirty looks to try to outdo each other. There were girls who looked like they had bridal makeup on, and there were stilletos galore. There were girls wearing clothes i wouldn't even wear clubbing - clothes I wouldn't even see salsa dancers wear in professional competitions, and they wear sweet FA. I was wearing black trackies, a purple top and a scarf, which were my work clothes. were they dressed up because they thought they were going to pick up? - impossible, the only males there were the ones who were dragged by their girlfriends. Did they think it was the correct attire to wear to watch such a movie? have i already mentioned that we watched the movie at Hightpoint?!
if you think i'm exaggerating i will name just two things i saw tonight;
1- a gold shimmery backless minidress
2- a fur coat (like actual fur, not fake)
HIGHPOINT
anyway, that's why i couldn't help but call them wanker bitches. it's not the nicest term i've come up with, but it sufficed for the night.
the movie - yeah i have bones to pick with it, but i don't know what was more annoying, the excessive girly loser crap that was happening in the movie or the idiotic girls in the theatre laughing at EVERY GODDAM THING that those 4 girls said.
like Samantha is living somewhere else, not in New York. But she goes down al the time to see the other 3. the first time they see her they scream and hug her and kiss her once on each cheek and go gaga. the second time they see her they scream and hug her and kiss her once on each cheek and go gaga. the fiftieth time (mind you, i think she spends more time in NY than her home, so really who cares?) they say 'guess who's here... Samantha!' and they all scream and hug her etc etc. and the girls in the cinemas laughed every single times, just as hard the fiftieth as they did the first. it just wasn't funny - simple.
C. told me she's going to act like that every time she runs into me in the corridor at home.
now - Carrie and Big's wedding. what is wrong with 214 people? that's only 107 from each side, and it's not like their families lived overseas or they didn't have friends. and what was so good about 75? i think i had 75 people attend my last dress up party.
why don't americans have even the slightest understanding of phone etiquette? what is so hard about saying goodbye at the end of the call? Big calls Carrie the night before the wedding, he tells her he's not sure about marrying her for goodness' sake, she mumbles some crap to him and they hang up without saying goodbye. then surprise surprise he doesn't turn up to the wedding the next day.
let me explain - you should say goodbye to close the conversation. because it was unfinished he called her the next day to try to complete what was left unsaid from the night before and she didn't pick up, therefore there was no wedding. ALL BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE.
and finally - my nose began running halfway through the movie and all i could think about was stuffing tissue up each nostril and putting myself out of my misery.
and that is why i think i'm single... because i can't work out how to stop my runny nose to the point where i cant concentrate on anything else. oh yeah, and i look seriously gross walking around with tissues sticking out of my nose.
I know that the person i end up marrying will be the person who thinks I look cute with ripped Kleenex sticking out of my runny nose.
where are my tissues?
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