free

I am so happy. Not 'I'm in a good mood'. Not 'I'm having a good day.' I'm ecstatic. And relieved. And normal again.

I went strait from work to the hairdressers last night. I decided to put purple in my hair. I love it. I then went strait to my cousin's house to have dinner and watch SYTYCD. Then strait to Copa for salsa.

I walked in, and even though I had no makeup on cos i'm trying to get rid of a couple of pimples, and my hair was a bit porno starrish cos of the way the hairdresser set it, i didn't care, cos I love everyone at dancing and they love me cos of how i dance and how i am, not how i look.

i sat down and started changing into my dance shoes. I kept getting interrupted cos everyone was coming up to me to kiss me. When my friend R. kissed me i saw past him that my ex was there. We made eye contact. I went back to R. and kept talking, and leant back down to finish hooking the strap in.

And then it clicked; I felt nothing. And oh my god, nothing is bliss! I actually checked again; i looked up and stared at him for a good minute. Nothing. No heart beating fast. No memories running through my head. I didn't feel like vomiting (unfortunately this feeling used to be the most common). In fact, my mind was saying 'Gee, B. get the hell over it, you love this song, don't waste it looking at him, get up and dance.'

so i did. I started dancing with one of the guys and he led me right in front of my ex and i danced and i didn't feel anything.

and i felt so right. i'm so happy i have my nose pierced and purple in my hair. it sounds ridiculous but i know that i would never have done either of those things had we stayed together. I remember the look of horror on his face after we broke up when he saw my stud... as though i'd totally gone off the rails. How ridiculous.

and this is the first entry on my public blog instead of my private about him. i am so chilled and happy.

maybe it's got to do with my weight, cos I'm now back to how much i weighed before we got together. we were together for a year and it's taken a full year to lose it all - on that thought perhaps i should stay single forever so i can stay this size... nah!

the power of words...

I am standing behind my salsa friend I., waiting to to buy an orange juice before going into the movies. I hear my message tone go off. I start to pull my phone out of my pocket.

I:Hey Bee, do you want me to just get it for you? the juice... and do you want a choctop?

Me:(opening my phone) um, yeah, get me an oj and... (i read the msg).. and (i can feel my face burn with a blush)... uhm...

I: Bee? what's wrong... oj and what? (he looks at my phone)

Me: (flipping my phone closed and actually looking around suspiciously with a goofy smile on my face, making sure no one else has seen my personal message?!) oh... uhm... (i close my eyes to try to concentrate on what i'm trying to say but the words of the message are flashing across my eyes) i'll uhm... ehh... nothing... don't get me anything.

I: Huh? Bee, just choose something, come on, OJ and?

Me: (eyes closed, still burning) Nothing! I don't want anything! (slightly manic)

I: (looking at me like i'm a lunatic) Whatever...

Me: I'm going to the toilet!

Walking to the toilet I feel suspicious of everyone, and have the crazy feeling that they might know what the personal message was that I just read.

words... just words. and that's all it takes to impress me beyond belief. and - it wasn't even a dirty message. actually if it had been, it would have had less of an effect on me.

major kudos to those who can use words to express themselves - it sounds so basic - but i have yet to meet more than a handful of guys in the world who can do it.

anyway - this was just to illustrate how it takes very little to impress us... one sentence and i can be hooked.

if i hear the word 'fidanzato' one more time...

so we picked up even more relatives from italy on the weekend... and it's great. we get to sit around and talk about gory stories like how my cousin died in the shower and flooded his apartment, how my other cousin is still going through her 7 year adoption struggle with a child from Romania... and how I'm single.

like - me being single is as bad as my cousin having a heart attack and dying in the shower (RIP Paolo - no offense). i can't see how the two can bear equal weight.

i picked up my cousin who is here doing his PHD to take him to salsa a week ago. i decided to be polite and go inside and say a quick hi to my zia. she's got a broken foot at the moment so i figured i would only be stuck talking for as long as it took for me to leave.

Zia: Bee! come stai, eh?
Me: Hi Zia, good thanks, how are you?
Zia: not bad, but you know - questo piede (motioning to her foot)
Me: yeah i know zia, i know
Zia: allora, you're taking F. out? thatsa nice. E il suo fidanzato he's going too?
Me: ah, no zia, i don't have a fidanzato
Zia: ma che?! i thoughta you hadda fidanzato... last time you had one, no?
Me: yeah but zia, not anymore
Zia: ah... ti ha lasciato?
(insert B's thoughts here - why does everyone assume HE left ME? and the fact that it's correct shits me even more!)
Me: ah yeah zia, he left me, ages ago
Zia: ah Bee, no worry, no worry... meglio che ti ha lasciato addesso invece a dopo when you married
(FOR FUCK'S SAKE... better that he left you then than after you're married)
Me: Ok zia, yeah, e' meglio, i gotta go, ciao! (ran out)
Zia: ok ciao! (oblivious to what she's just said)

bleh - that was just the beginning of what happened - it pissed me off so much i can't even tell the point of my story.

and - can i just say - why is there no word for boyfriend in Italian? he is your nothing or he is your fiancé? there's no in between. it's so embarrassing when me or my cousins bring someone who isn't italian and our relatives try to speak english and say they're so happy to meet our 'fiances'. can they not just learn the word 'boyfriend'? they manage to learn the words 'marriage', 'kitchen tea', 'hen's night' and 'honeymoon'. agh!