free

I am so happy. Not 'I'm in a good mood'. Not 'I'm having a good day.' I'm ecstatic. And relieved. And normal again.

I went strait from work to the hairdressers last night. I decided to put purple in my hair. I love it. I then went strait to my cousin's house to have dinner and watch SYTYCD. Then strait to Copa for salsa.

I walked in, and even though I had no makeup on cos i'm trying to get rid of a couple of pimples, and my hair was a bit porno starrish cos of the way the hairdresser set it, i didn't care, cos I love everyone at dancing and they love me cos of how i dance and how i am, not how i look.

i sat down and started changing into my dance shoes. I kept getting interrupted cos everyone was coming up to me to kiss me. When my friend R. kissed me i saw past him that my ex was there. We made eye contact. I went back to R. and kept talking, and leant back down to finish hooking the strap in.

And then it clicked; I felt nothing. And oh my god, nothing is bliss! I actually checked again; i looked up and stared at him for a good minute. Nothing. No heart beating fast. No memories running through my head. I didn't feel like vomiting (unfortunately this feeling used to be the most common). In fact, my mind was saying 'Gee, B. get the hell over it, you love this song, don't waste it looking at him, get up and dance.'

so i did. I started dancing with one of the guys and he led me right in front of my ex and i danced and i didn't feel anything.

and i felt so right. i'm so happy i have my nose pierced and purple in my hair. it sounds ridiculous but i know that i would never have done either of those things had we stayed together. I remember the look of horror on his face after we broke up when he saw my stud... as though i'd totally gone off the rails. How ridiculous.

and this is the first entry on my public blog instead of my private about him. i am so chilled and happy.

maybe it's got to do with my weight, cos I'm now back to how much i weighed before we got together. we were together for a year and it's taken a full year to lose it all - on that thought perhaps i should stay single forever so i can stay this size... nah!