babies everywhere

i had a major vent to two of my coworkers yesterday morning after watching the movie. Sarah, who is 38 and had two children by the time she was my age, kept on yelling 'Bee! shutup! you're only 24! get over it! you've got years ahead of you!' My other co-worker, Brett, kept rolling his eyes and saying 'Bee, seriously, calm down, come on let's go to lunch.'

so i drove us to the plaza and Brett, trying to be nice, suggested that we walk through Myer instead of the normal entrance so Sarah can look for Bali clothes and I can look for Thailand clothes. first step in and we were faced with an enormous infant display with a giant stork holding a sheet with babies inside and lots of tiny baby clothes around.

'See?! it's everywhere!' i screamed. Brett dragged me off and said 'ooh look Bee! 75% off and it's all summer stock! just what you need!'

i began rifling through the racks and found everything to be either size 6 or 16. then i found this beautiful white kaftan that would have been perfect to wear over bikinis in Thailand. My mood instantly lightened - only $50 too!

Sarah saw it and her face fell. 'that's what i want... if it doesn't fit you can i try it on? it's not going to fit your boobs anyway'

'Will too! Bitch!' i skipped off to the change room, ripped off my skirt and top, put on the kaftan... and it totally didn't fit my chest.

'Bee? can i try it on now?' Sarah was waiting on the other side of the door.

'Get stuffed! agh!' i ripped it off and opened the door in my underwear and threw it at her. She did this psychotic evil laugh (ok maybe it just seemed that way) and ran into her change room with it. I grumbled through putting my clothes back on and came out to find her in the corridor with it on, looking STUNNING and it fitting her chest perfectly.

'i hate you!' i yelled and stormed out. I waited by the cash register as she bought MY kaftan - only to then hear the cashier tell her it was reduced further to $12.50
Sarah took one look at my face and burst out laughing. this one was an evil laugh - there was no doubt about it.

we grabbed lunch and i went back into my office and wrote my last blog about the movie to vent. i closed it and realised i had an email from my friend from dancing who is pregnant at the moment, inviting me to a nappy party - like how you can perfume or underwear parties - she's having a Reusable Nappy Party ... and she wrote 'I KNOW most of you don’t have children but you may have them one day so could be worth a look.'

so next wednesday i'm now going to this nappy party and i'm going to feel her tummy and her other friends will be there with babies and AGH! i can't wait to go to thailand and hopefully fill my head with other things.

i am hollywood's drawing board

so i found ANOTHER movie about me last night. well this one isn't about me in the present, but it sure as hell will be.

i went to watch 'Baby Mama' last night. about a woman who has been into her career and friends and family and never met 'the one' and then finds herself 37 and childless - so she tries IVF and when it proves to be unsuccessful (due to a T-shaped uterus!?) she decides to go the surrogate option.

in my private blog i have written this:

is it all worth it?
what do i want from life?
i want kids. of that i am certain. there is no doubt and there will never be any doubt of that. i want kids more than i want a husband and more than i want to get married, i've realised lately.

if i get to 30 and i'm still unatached with no vision in the near future of getting married i will seriously begin looking for ways to have kids. be it a sperm donor, marrying one of my gay friends and adopting, i don't care. even doing foster care to lead to adoption. i don't care, i need kids.

i don't look at men and think 'omg, i NEED one of those in my life'. but i do look at children and melt and cry and stay miserable for ages.

i look at myself and think realistically i'm only 24. but i want to be a nonna. i want my children, their husbands and wives and their children around me. i want my grandchildren to come over to have sleepovers at Nonna Bianca's house. i don't want to have kids at 40 and be in a nursing home before they get married

truthfully i want to have kids in my 20's. i would like... 27. that's only 2 and a half years away. i know it's not going to happen.

what could possibly be so bad about going on RSVP? if in a few years time i'm going to be more than willing to marry a gay man - what's the problem then with going on one of those internet dating things?

so i began googling adoption last night and i couldn't stop reading. there seems to be three options - foster care leading to adoption, domestic adoption and international adoption. and the prices weren't as insane as what i had been expecting either - that said - i don't think any amount would shock me because the thought of having a child just makes me hug myself to death.

foster care doesn't really appeal to me. if i was 50 and my kids had moved out of home i would probably do it. or if adoption fell through and i couldn't have my own. but the idea of having a newborn is just what i want, and that just doesn't happen with foster care.

realistically i'd have to adopt from overseas which is double the price of domestic adoptions but again - not fazed in the slightest.

i remember it took my cousins from italy a few years to get their son from Romania, and i thought it would take about the same, possibly longer considering i'm single, but everywhere i'm reading is telling me the process from beginning to end is about one year if you're using an agency. i guess this comes down to two things; that an agency would speed up the process and that they are slow dodgey wankers in Italy.

so... this realization seems very correct in my mind. I'm not looking for a husband; i'm looking for children. Life of a Bee with Kids?