they are having an intervention with me right now. to detract from this we're making the following checklist for when brain retraining is required-
1 (only applies to bianca) does he have hair?
2 is his friedge covered in speeding fines?
3 is he always broke? (could be a druggie/alco)
4 is he still acting like an 18 year old?
5 is he secretive about stuff?
6 is he self centered?
7 does he put in less to the relationship as you do?
8 is he still hanging out with his ex girlfriends?
9 does it take him longer than 1 day to sms you back?
10 does it take him longer than five months to do something nice?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
bitter and twisted
a few weeks ago at dancing one of my friends, George (not the bald one), was telling us a story about these two girls he overheard at the motor show, talking about guys they were seeing. they were leggy barbies, the ones that usually wear next to nothing or, worse still, have their clothes just painted on. anyway, he heard one say to the other 'well, i'm seeing Rick and Paul at the moment, but really, at the end of the day, Rick makes 120 grand a year and Paul only makes 85 grand a year so I think i'm going to keep Rick.'
He spun around and went skitzo at them. Told them it was stupid girls like them that made men the way they are. Told them that their looks will eventually fade and they'd be left with nothing. Told them that there was clearly nothing between the ears. That Rick and Paul were probably screwing another 10 girls each. He told them that they weren't anything special. They were apparently stunned into silence and didn't respond.
He turned to me and asked 'Can you believe how stupid they were?!"
I suddenly realised I'd been holding my breath. I looked over at Renee, an older dancer who is very happy with her partner. She looked how i felt about the whole story.
'George,' I said gently. 'You sound really bitter and twisted.'
'What?! what doyou think?' he asked Renee.
'Uhm,' she stammered. 'well, not twisted... but bitter, very bitter.'
'I sound like that,' I whispered, more to myself than them.
'What, bella?' Renee asked, trying to get out of telling George she thought he was insance.
'I sound like that. Sometimes. Not all the time. But listening to George just now made me realise that sometimes... that's me. But the other way around. I'm going crazy at men and blaming random men for all the horrible things that other men have done to me. I don't want to sound like that.' My head was spinning.
'Honey, seriously, you never sound like that. So don't worry,' Renee reassured me.
but sometimes i do.
He spun around and went skitzo at them. Told them it was stupid girls like them that made men the way they are. Told them that their looks will eventually fade and they'd be left with nothing. Told them that there was clearly nothing between the ears. That Rick and Paul were probably screwing another 10 girls each. He told them that they weren't anything special. They were apparently stunned into silence and didn't respond.
He turned to me and asked 'Can you believe how stupid they were?!"
I suddenly realised I'd been holding my breath. I looked over at Renee, an older dancer who is very happy with her partner. She looked how i felt about the whole story.
'George,' I said gently. 'You sound really bitter and twisted.'
'What?! what doyou think?' he asked Renee.
'Uhm,' she stammered. 'well, not twisted... but bitter, very bitter.'
'I sound like that,' I whispered, more to myself than them.
'What, bella?' Renee asked, trying to get out of telling George she thought he was insance.
'I sound like that. Sometimes. Not all the time. But listening to George just now made me realise that sometimes... that's me. But the other way around. I'm going crazy at men and blaming random men for all the horrible things that other men have done to me. I don't want to sound like that.' My head was spinning.
'Honey, seriously, you never sound like that. So don't worry,' Renee reassured me.
but sometimes i do.
Friday, October 17, 2008
'He's a dick' training
cousin, D, has been insisting that the moment one gives up on who they fancy (fucking Bridget Jones) that's when the fancied will present back in your life and then you have to retrain yourself to like them again. unfortunately D. said that they don't come back into your life until you convince yourself that your fancied man is a dick. and not fake dislike, you really need to make yourself get over him. referred to as 'he's a dick brain training.' the moment you actually believe that he's no good for you, he's seeing 3 other girls, he's homosexual etc that's when he'll suddenly reappear and seem the epitome of perfection.
went out for brunch with workmates J and B, told them D's ridiculous story... and they both believed it wholeheartedly and tried to convince me it was actually so. what utter rubbish. the world doesn't work in a 'Ha ha, tricked ya!' kind of way. couldn't believe they were backing her up - theory is utter bullshit.
tonight i called D, complaining about boy troubles. by the end of the telephone call we decided to commence 'he's a dick brain retraining.' got off the mobile and said out loud to myself in the car 'ok. beginning he's a dick brain retraining.... He's a dick.' NO SOONER HAD THE WORDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH THAT THE AFORE MENTIONED 'DICK' MESSAGED MY MOBILE.
called B - told him about the sms right after proclaiming fancied's dickedness. he didn't seem very surprised. that shit me - like as if he was so certain of the theory that of course it would happen. still think it's just one massive coincidence... but slightly freaky too.
decided that, dick or not, have to stop messaging him. went through phone and changed name to DO NOT MESSAGE to remind myself when am about to press send. noticed my ever growing list of DO NOT ANSWER numbers in contact list, combination of stalkers and... well, stalkers. hate that i get like this. if someone talks to me i quieten down. if someone doesn't talk i turn into a fucking maniac and blabber on till i'm totally nonsensical. so - we'll see how long i can withhold contact... perhaps should tell S and J so they can make another bet on me grrrrr
went out for brunch with workmates J and B, told them D's ridiculous story... and they both believed it wholeheartedly and tried to convince me it was actually so. what utter rubbish. the world doesn't work in a 'Ha ha, tricked ya!' kind of way. couldn't believe they were backing her up - theory is utter bullshit.
tonight i called D, complaining about boy troubles. by the end of the telephone call we decided to commence 'he's a dick brain retraining.' got off the mobile and said out loud to myself in the car 'ok. beginning he's a dick brain retraining.... He's a dick.' NO SOONER HAD THE WORDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH THAT THE AFORE MENTIONED 'DICK' MESSAGED MY MOBILE.
called B - told him about the sms right after proclaiming fancied's dickedness. he didn't seem very surprised. that shit me - like as if he was so certain of the theory that of course it would happen. still think it's just one massive coincidence... but slightly freaky too.
decided that, dick or not, have to stop messaging him. went through phone and changed name to DO NOT MESSAGE to remind myself when am about to press send. noticed my ever growing list of DO NOT ANSWER numbers in contact list, combination of stalkers and... well, stalkers. hate that i get like this. if someone talks to me i quieten down. if someone doesn't talk i turn into a fucking maniac and blabber on till i'm totally nonsensical. so - we'll see how long i can withhold contact... perhaps should tell S and J so they can make another bet on me grrrrr
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Bridget Jones is ruining my life
first and foremost it's ruining my writing style, because not only am writing like Helen Fielding, am also thinking in these wierd, staccattoed sentences. so stupid.
so - have been having slight troubles relating to males lately. Under normal circumstances i'd just think at night, act the next day, and accept whatever comes. Except now circle of friends has changed slightly. at work i'm now surrounded by three people:
B-Gay male youth worker. My age exactly. is having boy troubles of his own, therefore the conversation comes up quite a bit. He says he's never had a boyfriend, but really, the gay world is so blaze about everything, it's just not the same. when i say i haven't had a boyfriend for a year that also means i haven't done anything, bar an odd kiss here or there. he's dating, kissing, groping and more as part of his regular weekend routine. i can't keep up with his stories for all the men he refers to.
J- female youth worker, one year younger than me, recently broke up with her boyfriend of years and years and is now in a wonderful rebound relationship. love her to death, but she is truly rubbing in my 13 month problem... like literally rubbing; got my hand last week, exclaimed 'feel this!' and rubbed by hand up against her cheek which felt as smooth as a baby's bottom. 'that's what 3 hours of sex will do for you.' even more miserable now as my own skin has become horrific for the first time in my entire life.
S- female youth worker and mother. happily married with 2 kids. she's decided to live her life vicariously through ours and is pro J's rebound relationship and has been trying desperately to get me to 'go out and have a good old shag' (she's english). have explained to her till i'm blue in the face that i'm not like that.
so even if i go into work thinking i'm not going to discuss my love life (or lack thereof), it inevitably is just hanging around in the air, awaiting one of us to start talking about.
S has totally done my head in with her books lately. she read this book entitled 'Chasing Harry Winston' by the same author of the devil wears prada. (note; some serious editing problems in that text). nevertheless, she briefly explained about the three girls in the book; the gorgeous one that has a new guy every day (B), the solid and stable one in a relationship who has suddenly broken up (J) and the one who will only shag (her word) a guy if she's 'in love' with him so her friends dare her to shag a guy from each continent. at this point they all turned to me. i am not fucking random men from antarctica. my workmates are insane.
so i read the book. got up to the part where my character finally has her first random shag and it's great. i sent an sms at 1am to B, J and S: HEY GUYS. I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT I THINK I DO HAVE TO HAVE RANDOM SEX. I JUST READ THE PART WHERE EMMY HAS SEX WITH GEORGE IN THE SPA, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE SO MANY GODDAM RULES. IT'S NOW YOUR JOBS TO FIND ME A GUY - I'M SO OVER TEA!
(perhaps should insert here that i started a tea drinking obsession - every time thought about single doom and it's related domedness drank a cup of tea. S and J had an intervention with me a couple of months ago when, at 9.35am, i was onto my third cup)
One week later i finished the book and we were having coffee at Gloria Jeans (not STARFUCKS where they yell at you for buying their cups and refilling them! diks...) and i quietly admitted that i'd thought about it, and my conclusion was that random sex was not for me. they jumped up, S high fived J and yelled 'i told you it'd take her a week to go back on it!' 'Damn, a week today too, i thought it'd take longer! good guess!' what the fuck, they were literally making bets on me.
so - have been having slight troubles relating to males lately. Under normal circumstances i'd just think at night, act the next day, and accept whatever comes. Except now circle of friends has changed slightly. at work i'm now surrounded by three people:
B-Gay male youth worker. My age exactly. is having boy troubles of his own, therefore the conversation comes up quite a bit. He says he's never had a boyfriend, but really, the gay world is so blaze about everything, it's just not the same. when i say i haven't had a boyfriend for a year that also means i haven't done anything, bar an odd kiss here or there. he's dating, kissing, groping and more as part of his regular weekend routine. i can't keep up with his stories for all the men he refers to.
J- female youth worker, one year younger than me, recently broke up with her boyfriend of years and years and is now in a wonderful rebound relationship. love her to death, but she is truly rubbing in my 13 month problem... like literally rubbing; got my hand last week, exclaimed 'feel this!' and rubbed by hand up against her cheek which felt as smooth as a baby's bottom. 'that's what 3 hours of sex will do for you.' even more miserable now as my own skin has become horrific for the first time in my entire life.
S- female youth worker and mother. happily married with 2 kids. she's decided to live her life vicariously through ours and is pro J's rebound relationship and has been trying desperately to get me to 'go out and have a good old shag' (she's english). have explained to her till i'm blue in the face that i'm not like that.
so even if i go into work thinking i'm not going to discuss my love life (or lack thereof), it inevitably is just hanging around in the air, awaiting one of us to start talking about.
S has totally done my head in with her books lately. she read this book entitled 'Chasing Harry Winston' by the same author of the devil wears prada. (note; some serious editing problems in that text). nevertheless, she briefly explained about the three girls in the book; the gorgeous one that has a new guy every day (B), the solid and stable one in a relationship who has suddenly broken up (J) and the one who will only shag (her word) a guy if she's 'in love' with him so her friends dare her to shag a guy from each continent. at this point they all turned to me. i am not fucking random men from antarctica. my workmates are insane.
so i read the book. got up to the part where my character finally has her first random shag and it's great. i sent an sms at 1am to B, J and S: HEY GUYS. I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT I THINK I DO HAVE TO HAVE RANDOM SEX. I JUST READ THE PART WHERE EMMY HAS SEX WITH GEORGE IN THE SPA, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE SO MANY GODDAM RULES. IT'S NOW YOUR JOBS TO FIND ME A GUY - I'M SO OVER TEA!
(perhaps should insert here that i started a tea drinking obsession - every time thought about single doom and it's related domedness drank a cup of tea. S and J had an intervention with me a couple of months ago when, at 9.35am, i was onto my third cup)
One week later i finished the book and we were having coffee at Gloria Jeans (not STARFUCKS where they yell at you for buying their cups and refilling them! diks...) and i quietly admitted that i'd thought about it, and my conclusion was that random sex was not for me. they jumped up, S high fived J and yelled 'i told you it'd take her a week to go back on it!' 'Damn, a week today too, i thought it'd take longer! good guess!' what the fuck, they were literally making bets on me.
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