skewed sense of time

oh my god. how did i not realise this sooner? or did i know this would happen all along and i blocked it until now?

i am totally going to fall in love when i go to italy this year. no doubt about it. no way around it. it's going to happen.

i went to watch vicky christina barcelona with my friend S. tonight. spanish... love... lust... fighting... drama... lust... travel... wine... food... beach... lust. S. laughed through the movie. i watched it in horror... it's going to happen.

i think i knew. i think i've been in denial. i coincidentally (?) told my work friends today that i was thinking about not going out on any more of these crappy first dates. they jumped down my throat. Bee! you've been on 6 dates in as many weeks! how many people can say that? come on!

yeah... but i didn't like one enough to lead to a second. what's that telling you?

Then i told S. tonight that i think i'd be petrified to start dating a guy in australia over the next 5 months. i ONLY want to go on first dates... nothing more solid than that. because no matter how wonderful i think he is here - when i get there - pfft.

oh i sound like such a cruel bitch.

how did i explain it to S.? i'm hardly ever attracted to guys here. i can easily go to a club with a thousand people and find not one guy attractive. for example, based on looks alone, i don't think i've ever been attracted to a japanese man, and vice versa. i rarely see the kind of guys i like, because i live in such a multicultural city. when i'm in italy, the percentage of guys that i find attractive shoot from 3% to well over 90%. and they're attracted to me. so - it's inevitable.

S. said 'bee. surely you're over exaggerating.'

HA!

the first time i went to italy was with my parents and brother and sister. we spent over half the time in my parent's slow and sleepy towns. i fell in love twice; once in each town. the first town, my dad's, i fell for a boy, 16 years old, 2 years ahead of my 14, who live 3 houses down from my zia's house. we became obsessed with one another - him listening to my relatives and translating at a slow italian pace for me when i was coming to visit again. my italian cousins made excuses for me to go with them into the piazza with them at night, and more excuses as to why my parents should stay at home with their parents. His name was Antonio and he was divine. He was tanned, a dark dark brown, even darker than me with jet black hair and light brown eyes with long tangled eye lashes that looked fake. and he had perfect lips. oh so perfect. they came up into two impeccably sharp little points beneath his nose.

he was my first kiss. and maybe that's why now i hate morons in australia with their porno style kissing. if you start at 14 and you start with the best, how the hell can you go backwards?

i was devestated to leave. i gave him my address to write to me. he didn't even wait that long. one of my other cousins from australia was in his town at the time and he passed a letter to her to take to me as she was arriving back in australia 10 days after me.

but between my dad's town and home, we went to my mum's town. and there i fell in love with a cousin's cousin. although it wasn't quite that simple; he was 23. now, i'm 24, i'm a youth worker, i have a working with children's check, i have a clean police record, and now i can understand why my mum was FURIOUS when she could see he liked me. cos it CERTAINLY wasn't just that i liked him. he was obsessed. he never did anything, god knows our families didn't leave us alone for 2 seconds. but god, the tension was just beyond belief. i fell for him much, much harder than i fell for Antonio. the day we left i was inconsolable. it was just crazy.

the second time i went to italy i left behind my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. i still kissed three guys while i was over there. how BAD is that? this is exactly why i cannot get involved with anyone over the next 5 months. i'm not 14 or 18 anymore. i'm 24. i need to grow the hell up. and since i know i can't say no in italy, i have to say no here.

S. asked me what they difference was. if the guys there chased harder than the guys here.

there is no comparison. if a guy there sees you he will decide on the spot, in that millisecond, just seeing you brush your hair out of your eyes or struggle with your crap knowledge of the italian language, he will decide there and then if he is going to chase you. he will make eye contact with you.

and then it's your choice.

you can look at him. stare into him, into his eyes, and accept. or you can just look away. but if you accept, good luck in then refusing him once he starts.

you won't be able to.

i won't be able to

i won't even bother trying

he will look at you. he will stare blatently. he will ask his friends who you are. he will ask his friend's friends who you are. he will ask complete strangers who you are. he will talk to your friends. he will find out about you. he will find out where you are going, what you are doing. and then he will dissapear. you'll want to cry. he didn't even talk to you. all that looking looking looking and he just left. god he was hot.

and then you're at your next venue. a bar, or a club, or a gelateria, whatever. and he's there. waiting. he knows you were coming here; your friends told him. you smile, relieved that he hasn't disappeared off the face of the earth. he smiles back. and suddenly, without you even meaning to, you already have had a conversation of sorts, just with your eyes. you both suddenly know how the other feels, because you see the other relieved to see you again.

it's like there is a skewed sense of time in italy. if you spend one hour with a man it will be full of memorable moments. one right after the other. when i date here, fuck me dead. i grasp at ONE moment. perhaps the difference is that chivalry is by no means dead in italy. it is alive... so very alive.

and they chase.

i love the chase.

in australia the chase is more fun that the relationship.

in italy... they keep chasing you. even after they have you.

there is really no comparison.

italy... welcome to my life!